Wednesday, October 17, 2007

ashes to ashes ......

when people are cremated, at least in the movies, you see their ashes sprayed over the ocean or mountains and it's a breezy clear day. you envision the ashes to be like those of cigarettes: dark in color, not heavy. well, i "picked up" Kerby today. man how freakin' morbid was THAT phone call the other day:

"This is so-and-so from the animal hospital .....". I actually had a brain freeze at that very moment. I was confused. I didn't know which of the 2 animal hospitals that Kerby visited the call was coming from. I was almost shocked to even getting a call anymore from the vet. It was a very weird feeling to not have Kerby around/alive ..... and still get a call from his vet. I even remember back in August when I got a call from Kerby's groomer; they reminded me that Kerby's due for a wash & cut. Even at that time, in August, I asked PetSmart to please remove me from your list because I wouldn't want to "get a call after Kerby is gone" reminding me that Kerby needs to be groomed. yeah .... morbid. Anyway .....

I "picked up" my baby today. I expected "the ashes". Not to be graphic here, but I opened the pretty little tin box and inside there was a clear "baggy" containing what looked like chopped up bones. SHIT! Little white bones. Almost like ground up seashells on a beach. I lost it right there in the parking lot. I can't believe Kerby is in THIS FREAKIN' BOX!!! Maybe I was surprised to not see dark cigarette ashes. More so, I just wasn't expecting to see "pieces". Holy shit. I want to have that box sealed SHUT so I never open it again. 11 days ago I was holding my son in my arms. Kissing his face, his head, stroking his hair, squeezing his paws, and whispering sweet nothings in his ear. And now he's ground up. I miss Kerby so darn much! It was strange having a birthday last week .... and not getting a "Happy Birthday MOM" card from Kerby ..... it was my 1st birthday in 11 years Kerby didn't get me a card ...

The cool thing, however, that I liked getting, was Kerby's paw print in ceramic. The vet wrote "Kerby, 1994-2007" and it's on a little round ceramic plate. That's cute. And i even looked real close at it and some of Kerby's white hair is "stuck" in the cement. That made me smile.

I have received so many sympathy cards this week from friends, co-workers, and my fellow bone cancer dog owners. Thanks to all who cared so much about my boy. He surely touched EVERYONE'S lives who knew him .... no doubt he was a unique little grouchy guy.

Hang in there Kerbs ..... I'll see you again soon and I'll bring your football and stuffed monkey toys, and a tennis ball that you can keep in your mouth all the time while growling at your buddies with love :-)

Rest in peace my love. Rest in peace .... you are pain-free now and going for long runs again. By the way, Monkey and Daddy really really miss you too!!

Saturday, October 6, 2007

It's that time .....

i didn't think this would be this hard at this very moment, as i write. my tears can't stop. i will miss kerby so much. he is my son ... the only one i will ever know. i have (well kerby has) decided that he is ready to go home to God. i will take him to Roswell Animal Hospital tomorrow/Sunday at 12:30 to see his favorite vet, Dr. Ray. scott will be with me all day & night to comfort me.

how do i know it's time? everyone is right! kerby is letting me know, gently, that he's put up a valiant fight. i took my little man to the vet this morning for some "reassurance".

sure enough, kerby is bleeding extensively internally - he's had bloody diarrhea for a few days!! he probably has ulcers from the heavy doses of Prednisone steroids - which is a side effect. but i don't blame myself at all for those high doses and causing the ulcers. we tried to reduce the tumor!

kerby also isn't eating well. he is probably nauseous from his ulcers and doesn't have an appetite.

da kerbs also is walking very very slowly. he doesn't even want to walk outside. after a few steps, he stops or just takes 1 little step at a time. his back legs are weak and he's also taking a lot longer to get up the stairs.

and his eye. his eyes have always been windows to his beautiful soul. they are so expressive, loving and big. but now his tumor is growing so large that it's pushing his eye up/backwards and it's gel-like, red, gooey. vet confirmed that kerby must be in some pain and highly discomforted.

so, ya add all these things up and my decision isn't that tough.

The vet today gave kerby a lot of medicine to keep him feeling as good as possible today, and even in case i change my mind about tomorrow. Kerby got injections of antibiotics (metronidazole and baytril), 3 different meds for his ulcer (carafate, anzemet, famotidine) and pain (buprenex - which is like morphine).

i'd like thank some people who have been instrumental these past 6 months, since kerby's 1st diagnosis of osteosarcoma:

PAUL: 1st and foremost! you have loved kerby as much as, if not more than, i have for the 8 years you've known him. you have been the best dad any son can ever ask for. i know kerby will miss all your playing, all the times he's spent at your house with all your friends who also love him. kerby and you had the most special of bonds. thank you paul for loving our son and being there for him every step of the way! kerby loves his daddy!!!!!

Dr. Jill Ray: thank you for being a doctor that actually cares and someone who has incredible bed side manners. you always had time to see me & kerby, or look at pictures, or explain things to me on the phone. thanks for your sensitivity!

Dan: thank you for your intelligence, insight and helping Paul and me find unique ways to keep kerby alive for another 2 months!

Bone Cancer for Dogs website (http://pets.groups.yahoo.com/group/bonecancerdogs/): thank you for keeping me informed, educated, your prayers and for understanding just how difficult it is to experience the loss of your best fur friend.

Kathleen & Chris: thank you for your prayers, your 1st hand experience, your knowledge and for staying in touch with me and caring so much about a dog (and owner) that you have never even met!

My friends: Angie, Mellissa, Liz, Janice who know what it's like to love a dog as their own child!

Scott: i love you so much! thank you for holding me as i cried. thank you for wanting to be with me through my pain. thank you for being that one door that is opening while the door that held my life with kerby is closing. i look forward to you being the next "love of my life".

Run free Kerbs. Go play with Snowy. Go growl in the corner with a plush football in your mouth. Don't let anyone put those doggie booties on your paws! Find grandma Angie and let her hold you like a baby with your arms around her neck ... like you did with me all the time. Take afternoon naps in God's arms and fall asleep as you hear how much He loves you .... like you did with me all the time.

Kerbster, you have given me the most joy for the past 11 years. Thank you baby for teaching me what unconditional love is all about. Thank you for being the light in my darkest moments. Thank you for being my one and only son, Kerby!

Mommy will ALWAYS love you!

Friday, October 5, 2007

End stages (caution: graphic photos!!)







i haven't written in a month because i have been afraid. i am afraid of my feelings and letting them go. also, there have been so many ups and downs with Kerby. i'm cautious about getting so excited seeing him wag his tail, give me kisses, eat all his food, not bleed. but then there are times like now ..... now scares me real bad. i feel the end is near. but i've said that before and kerby stunned me; shocked all of us actually at his tenaciousness to live and love living. but now is different. i just read this comment on the internet:

How will I know when?
If your pet can no longer experience the things it once enjoyed, cannot respond to you in its usual ways, or appears to be experiencing more pain than pleasure, you may need to consider euthanasia.

kerby had a very bad week ... his worst. the scabs on his oral tumor fell off, exposing his golf-ball size tumor. it was raw. it didn't stop bleeding for an entire DAY. all over the house. the tumor is growing so large, it's protruding his eye so far into his head that his eye is "in the back of his head" and red and full of puss. he has pooped in the house every day, and it's very soft poop. and i just noticed he is "bleeding diarrhea". that is what is most scary. the blood. bloody diarrhea cannot be a good thing obviously. also, kerby's back legs are starting to get weak. he does not like to walk outside anymore. and when he does walk, he is VERY slow. very slow. like he doesn't want to walk.

but i remember my vet saying that as long as kerby is eating well, he is okay. when he stops eating, then "it's time". i'm torn. kerby is eating his food and taking his meds very well.

i'm asked all the time: is kerby in pain?? i'm not really sure. i associate him being in pain perhaps with him "yelping or crying". and since he doesn't do that, i assume he's not in pain.

then again, should i assume that since he's walking so slowly, his eye is looking "backwards", his tumor is literally a golf-ball and his poop is bloody .... that he is in pain?

God, I wish I knew. I've also been told that "Kerby will let me know". I suppose that is the case. In the meantime, I continue to love him, care for him, and make him as comfy as possible.

For the record, Kerby's current meds are (he's 18 lbs):
Prednisone: 20 mg/day
Tramadol: 100 mg/day (i just increased this from 50 mg/day)
Green Tea extract + Grape Seed extract (anti-oxidants)
Genetian Violet topical solution (which stains purple)
Campho-phenique
and he eats soft/canned Pedigree food.
oh, can't forget his sugar-free vanilla ice cream every night too!