ashes to ashes ......

when people are cremated, at least in the movies, you see their ashes sprayed over the ocean or mountains and it's a breezy clear day. you envision the ashes to be like those of cigarettes: dark in color, not heavy. well, i "picked up" Kerby today. man how freakin' morbid was THAT phone call the other day:

"This is so-and-so from the animal hospital .....". I actually had a brain freeze at that very moment. I was confused. I didn't know which of the 2 animal hospitals that Kerby visited the call was coming from. I was almost shocked to even getting a call anymore from the vet. It was a very weird feeling to not have Kerby around/alive ..... and still get a call from his vet. I even remember back in August when I got a call from Kerby's groomer; they reminded me that Kerby's due for a wash & cut. Even at that time, in August, I asked PetSmart to please remove me from your list because I wouldn't want to "get a call after Kerby is gone" reminding me that Kerby needs to be groomed. yeah .... morbid. Anyway .....

I "picked up" my baby today. I expected "the ashes". Not to be graphic here, but I opened the pretty little tin box and inside there was a clear "baggy" containing what looked like chopped up bones. SHIT! Little white bones. Almost like ground up seashells on a beach. I lost it right there in the parking lot. I can't believe Kerby is in THIS FREAKIN' BOX!!! Maybe I was surprised to not see dark cigarette ashes. More so, I just wasn't expecting to see "pieces". Holy shit. I want to have that box sealed SHUT so I never open it again. 11 days ago I was holding my son in my arms. Kissing his face, his head, stroking his hair, squeezing his paws, and whispering sweet nothings in his ear. And now he's ground up. I miss Kerby so darn much! It was strange having a birthday last week .... and not getting a "Happy Birthday MOM" card from Kerby ..... it was my 1st birthday in 11 years Kerby didn't get me a card ...

The cool thing, however, that I liked getting, was Kerby's paw print in ceramic. The vet wrote "Kerby, 1994-2007" and it's on a little round ceramic plate. That's cute. And i even looked real close at it and some of Kerby's white hair is "stuck" in the cement. That made me smile.

I have received so many sympathy cards this week from friends, co-workers, and my fellow bone cancer dog owners. Thanks to all who cared so much about my boy. He surely touched EVERYONE'S lives who knew him .... no doubt he was a unique little grouchy guy.

Hang in there Kerbs ..... I'll see you again soon and I'll bring your football and stuffed monkey toys, and a tennis ball that you can keep in your mouth all the time while growling at your buddies with love :-)

Rest in peace my love. Rest in peace .... you are pain-free now and going for long runs again. By the way, Monkey and Daddy really really miss you too!!

It's that time .....

i didn't think this would be this hard at this very moment, as i write. my tears can't stop. i will miss kerby so much. he is my son ... the only one i will ever know. i have (well kerby has) decided that he is ready to go home to God. i will take him to Roswell Animal Hospital tomorrow/Sunday at 12:30 to see his favorite vet, Dr. Ray. scott will be with me all day & night to comfort me.

how do i know it's time? everyone is right! kerby is letting me know, gently, that he's put up a valiant fight. i took my little man to the vet this morning for some "reassurance".

sure enough, kerby is bleeding extensively internally - he's had bloody diarrhea for a few days!! he probably has ulcers from the heavy doses of Prednisone steroids - which is a side effect. but i don't blame myself at all for those high doses and causing the ulcers. we tried to reduce the tumor!

kerby also isn't eating well. he is probably nauseous from his ulcers and doesn't have an appetite.

da kerbs also is walking very very slowly. he doesn't even want to walk outside. after a few steps, he stops or just takes 1 little step at a time. his back legs are weak and he's also taking a lot longer to get up the stairs.

and his eye. his eyes have always been windows to his beautiful soul. they are so expressive, loving and big. but now his tumor is growing so large that it's pushing his eye up/backwards and it's gel-like, red, gooey. vet confirmed that kerby must be in some pain and highly discomforted.

so, ya add all these things up and my decision isn't that tough.

The vet today gave kerby a lot of medicine to keep him feeling as good as possible today, and even in case i change my mind about tomorrow. Kerby got injections of antibiotics (metronidazole and baytril), 3 different meds for his ulcer (carafate, anzemet, famotidine) and pain (buprenex - which is like morphine).

i'd like thank some people who have been instrumental these past 6 months, since kerby's 1st diagnosis of osteosarcoma:

PAUL: 1st and foremost! you have loved kerby as much as, if not more than, i have for the 8 years you've known him. you have been the best dad any son can ever ask for. i know kerby will miss all your playing, all the times he's spent at your house with all your friends who also love him. kerby and you had the most special of bonds. thank you paul for loving our son and being there for him every step of the way! kerby loves his daddy!!!!!

Dr. Jill Ray: thank you for being a doctor that actually cares and someone who has incredible bed side manners. you always had time to see me & kerby, or look at pictures, or explain things to me on the phone. thanks for your sensitivity!

Dan: thank you for your intelligence, insight and helping Paul and me find unique ways to keep kerby alive for another 2 months!

Bone Cancer for Dogs website (http://pets.groups.yahoo.com/group/bonecancerdogs/): thank you for keeping me informed, educated, your prayers and for understanding just how difficult it is to experience the loss of your best fur friend.

Kathleen & Chris: thank you for your prayers, your 1st hand experience, your knowledge and for staying in touch with me and caring so much about a dog (and owner) that you have never even met!

My friends: Angie, Mellissa, Liz, Janice who know what it's like to love a dog as their own child!

Scott: i love you so much! thank you for holding me as i cried. thank you for wanting to be with me through my pain. thank you for being that one door that is opening while the door that held my life with kerby is closing. i look forward to you being the next "love of my life".

Run free Kerbs. Go play with Snowy. Go growl in the corner with a plush football in your mouth. Don't let anyone put those doggie booties on your paws! Find grandma Angie and let her hold you like a baby with your arms around her neck ... like you did with me all the time. Take afternoon naps in God's arms and fall asleep as you hear how much He loves you .... like you did with me all the time.

Kerbster, you have given me the most joy for the past 11 years. Thank you baby for teaching me what unconditional love is all about. Thank you for being the light in my darkest moments. Thank you for being my one and only son, Kerby!

Mommy will ALWAYS love you!

End stages (caution: graphic photos!!)

i haven't written in a month because i have been afraid. i am afraid of my feelings and letting them go. also, there have been so many ups and downs with Kerby. i'm cautious about getting so excited seeing him wag his tail, give me kisses, eat all his food, not bleed. but then there are times like now ..... now scares me real bad. i feel the end is near. but i've said that before and kerby stunned me; shocked all of us actually at his tenaciousness to live and love living. but now is different. i just read this comment on the internet:

How will I know when?
If your pet can no longer experience the things it once enjoyed, cannot respond to you in its usual ways, or appears to be experiencing more pain than pleasure, you may need to consider euthanasia.

kerby had a very bad week ... his worst. the scabs on his oral tumor fell off, exposing his golf-ball size tumor. it was raw. it didn't stop bleeding for an entire DAY. all over the house. the tumor is growing so large, it's protruding his eye so far into his head that his eye is "in the back of his head" and red and full of puss. he has pooped in the house every day, and it's very soft poop. and i just noticed he is "bleeding diarrhea". that is what is most scary. the blood. bloody diarrhea cannot be a good thing obviously. also, kerby's back legs are starting to get weak. he does not like to walk outside anymore. and when he does walk, he is VERY slow. very slow. like he doesn't want to walk.

but i remember my vet saying that as long as kerby is eating well, he is okay. when he stops eating, then "it's time". i'm torn. kerby is eating his food and taking his meds very well.

i'm asked all the time: is kerby in pain?? i'm not really sure. i associate him being in pain perhaps with him "yelping or crying". and since he doesn't do that, i assume he's not in pain.

then again, should i assume that since he's walking so slowly, his eye is looking "backwards", his tumor is literally a golf-ball and his poop is bloody .... that he is in pain?

God, I wish I knew. I've also been told that "Kerby will let me know". I suppose that is the case. In the meantime, I continue to love him, care for him, and make him as comfy as possible.

For the record, Kerby's current meds are (he's 18 lbs):
Prednisone: 20 mg/day
Tramadol: 100 mg/day (i just increased this from 50 mg/day)
Green Tea extract + Grape Seed extract (anti-oxidants)
Genetian Violet topical solution (which stains purple)
Campho-phenique
and he eats soft/canned Pedigree food.
oh, can't forget his sugar-free vanilla ice cream every night too!

Kerby ... my little MIRACLE boy!!

Kerby is alive and kicking!!!!!!!!!!! I apologize for not updating sooner but being in China for 10 days, plus issues with my computer at home, I haven't had the time to write as much as I wished. I want to give you all the update on Kerby, since I last wrote on August 7th. What I need to do, however, is 1st copy/paste the posting that Paul wrote on my blog while I was in China. Then I will let ya know the details of how Kerby is. Here goes:

Paul wrote this on August 18th:
Hello I'm Paul - "The Kerbs Dad". Since Kerri has been in china for the last two weeks I have had him. She got him checked out at the surgical specialist center on Abernathy Rd. before she left. Stated that nothing could be done for Kerby. As Kerri, it's tough to swallow. The cyst in his mouth got to be the size of a plum on the side of his head and who knows how big in his mouth due to he couldn't open it. In just 3 quick days since I had kerb he was done. It happened so quick and before you know it, he was foaming at the mouth and I tried to feed him and all he did is lay in his food which was terrible for 2 reasons. First is shock and 2nd is it was alpo gravy that I drained thinking he could lick it up. Friday (august 10th) I made "the choice" (to put Kerby down) but 1 mile down the road I couldn't continue driving due to a crying fit and i couldn't see the road. Well thank GOD that traffic is bad on fri. in Atlanta. I turned the car around and brought kerby home and the pressure was on. Anyone who knows me well knows that is when I work best. I called a paramedic dan who is known as the healin man. He was kind enough to come over and look at kerb and he was back the next day with prednisone, green tea extract, and raw beef. I followed his unorthodox requests due to kerby was already set up for "the choice". After I saw Kerri spend $300 on a check-up just days before and no other options noted by the oncologist, I prayed... and four hours later Kerby wagged his tail. 24 hours later Kerby was making a recovery. It is 7 days later and the cyst is GONE and he is barking at every sound and licking like kernel sanders. He is still weak from the chemo. and the cancer but the turn around was truly amazing thanks to Dan. Again, Thank you Very Much from the bottom of my heart! Paul .....
P.S. Dr. Hamilton (oncologist), I hope that when your time comes, they do not send you home to starve to death like almost happened to Kerby. It looks like "the Kerb" will die with DIGNITY!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whew ..... ok, this is Kerri again. Ya see, when I went o China, I had my blackberry and was able to check all emails. Paul didn't know this, so I read this email when I was in Beijing, that Paul was driving Kerby to get put down, and that now he was doing so well .... wow! I cry every time I think of it! I just knew Kerby wouldn't wait for my return. But he did!! And he is doing SOOOOO well, considering!

Paul and Dan did everything in their power to make sure Kerby would kiss me again! Paul, the chef that he is, experimented in the kitchen, fed Kerby everything and anything to see what worked. Dan, the highly intelligent paramedic, was Kerby's "healing doctor". Between the two of them, a regimen was set up.

Kerby's meds:
Prednisone (a steroid) 20mg/day to help shrink the tumor, which is still in there and big!
Green tea extract
Proin (generic brand) 25mg/day to help his incontinence.
Tramadol 25mg/day for pain

His treats (don't laugh but it works and he LOVES it all):
French Onion dip (he licks it from the tub)
Vanilla pudding cups
Ice cream cups
Blueberries & ice cream (the dark berries are an anti-oxidant)
Coffee creamer

I know, it all sounds and looks unorthodox but for now, his poop looks normal, he is extremely active and happy, he gives me kisses often, his hair is growing back, I mince his meds in his food and he eats like a horse 2x a day.

Last week, I just happen to look in his mouth and saw an additional HUGE 2 INCH x 2 INCH (not centimeters) black & purple shiny "ball" attached to his gums. It was nasty gross and scared the shit out of me. I took pictures of it but will spare all of you the horror! Man, my Kerby is sure teaching me patience. I didn't panic and just figured things out the next few days and helped him recover. At that time, I increased his steroid meds to shrink the growth and that helped.

Why, you may ask, did the oncologist never suggest this? Apparently they believe, according to their studies, that prednisone does nothing to help osteosarcoma of the jaw? who the heck knows .... I'm over the doctors, except Kerby's "regular" vet who we both love because she is caring and sensitive!

Anyway, that's my rant and boasting about my baby boy. The other morning I was thinking: Kerby may indeed be my only "child" in my life. And if so, that is okay with me because I have truly experienced how to love and care for something that is such a part of me. I have nursed Kerby back to health, stayed up with him when sick, spent an obscene amount of $ in medical bills .... but most importantly, I have received in return his unconditional love and he has given me the most joy a mother can ask for. Kerby is my son. I love you my little miracle boy!!

Down the "home" stretch with my little man

Tuesday August 7, 2007
Well, here we are. A valiant fight it has been. I fought so hard for Kerby, my little man, my big boy, da Kerbs, my schnookum butt, my lil munchkin, my fuzz butt.




This picture was taken today at the vet's office. Tears in my eyes, Kerby still sedated.

We're in the last few weeks, or days, of Kerby's happy life. And boy did he enjoy his time here! I love him so much.

Ya see, I'm headed off to China in 36 hours on the 9th and will be gone for 10 days. Having a feeling that Kerby's tumor was growing back in his mouth, I wanted to bring him in to the oncologist for an in depth exam so I can "know". Well, now I know.

Paul came with me this time. Kerby's dad. Dr. Hamilton started by saying, "Unfortunately .....". All else was a blur to me. "The new chemo (cisplatin) is not working either (previously we tried carboplation and adriamycin)." "The tumor has indeed grown back; it is now 3+cm." I know that the last 3 times the tumor was in Kerby's mouth, they were all at least 4cm and they were BAD! Bleeding. Just bad!

The doc spoke again. "There is only 1 more choice ...." I knew then that there would be no "more choices". Kerby has gone through enough. I have gone through enough. Paul has gone through enough. My office has gone through enough seeing me cry over my desk about it. The only choice the doc said was to do radiation which really only minimizes the pain. It doesn't slow the growth of the tumor. It doesn't prevent the cancer from spreading. Paul and I opted to just increase his pain meds (Tramadol) to about 75mg/day.

This morning, before I took Kerby to the vet, I held him. I told him it's okay. He's FOUGHT SO FREAKIN HARD. I think he did it for me. I pushed him but in a good way. Kerby hasn't been "suffering" beyond belief. He's been very uncomfortable, depressed, tired, sometimes doesn't eat, vomits a little here and there, pees A LOT all over himself .... but that's all okay.

But the tumor growing back is not okay! It is okay, however, for my Kerbs to know how much I will always love my 1st baby!

It was so hard leaving Kerby today. But honestly, knowing that Paul will be watching Kerby for the next 2 weeks until I return from China is a true blessing. My heart went out to Paul as he cried more than I did today in that doctor's office. I am still numb. I have watched Kerby deteriorate before my eyes every day since the middle of April. Paul has not. He visits Kerby, but doesn't see it all the time.

Paul may have to make the hardest decision while I'm out of the country. I feel so guilty about that. Not for Kerby, but for Paul. He doesn't deserve to have to make that decision to send Kerby home to God. But I am as okay as I can be about it. If Kerby wants to wait for his momma to come back home, that will be icing on the cake! But I am prepared for the worst, hoping for just another couple of weeks until I return.

I love you Kerby! You are a fighter, my trooper, my love bug. Try to hang in there okay sweet boy! Mommy loves you baby!

Oh Baby ....

.... baby food that is. Such is the life of a caring, loving pet owner who is doing everything she can stand to do to help her dog live a pain and cancer free life. What a freakin roller coaster ride this is. Every single darn day. Up: he ate a few kibbles. Down: he vomited water & blood. Yeah this is my life, the life chosen for me at this point. The life I have to accept. I love Kerby with all my heart and I just hope that all I am doing for him will buy him some more quality time.

And that's the question: Quality time. What is that? Everyone asks me these days: have you thought about sparing him, easing him, letting him go, ending his suffering. I honestly believe that if I truly thought Kerby was "suffering" and there are no further options, then the answer is a yes, for sure. I think I know when that time will come. I saw it a few weeks ago when his tumor grew back and he was bleeding. Option at that time? Remove the tumor and do the last known chemo. Now, at this point, if the tumor grows back, and cries in pain again, that will be my decision.

As for now, today specifically, he vomited water & blood this morning. Didn't eat his food or his peanut butter w/ his pain meds snuck in there. I called the vet, they said to try baby food. Between that call and me getting back home, a few cocktails of my own were in order. This shit ain't easy folks. So, looks like Kerby enjoyed his Beech Nut Chicken & Rice baby food, Stage 2 for less than 6 month olds. UGH!!!!!!!!!!! Who would have thunk it? I never imagined.

I only hope and pray that this is all just temporary. It's the chemo effecting him. His belly hurts and the fluids from the chemo are seeping out all the time. This will pass. I will come home from China in a few weeks and Kerby will be half way done with his new rounds of chemo. He'll be fine. And so will his mommy.

Chemo ... once again

Wednesday, July 25th

Those of you who know Kerby, know that this picture looks nothing like him at all. This is the effect of cancer and chemo! While his eyes are still expressive, they are so in a very sad looking way! It breaks my heart!

I am numb. I am going through the motions of doing the best I can for my Kerby. I get the information, the facts, the confirmed diagnosis of Osteosarcoma. I speak with the oncologist and it appears the only option is to try the "3rd & last type of chemo" that we didn't use already. The other 2 chemos didn't work, since the tumor grew back very fast!

Kerby had his 3rd surgery in 3 months on July 11th (2 weeks ago). The surgeon was only able to remove 95% of the tumor in his mouth. Yes .... there's still 5% of a cancerous tumor in my baby's mouth. What to do? I don't think there are many options at this point. Oral tumors grow back VERY FREAKIN' FAST. So, we started chemo again today. Cisplatin is the name of it. I didn't choose it before b/c it's not healthy for the kidneys, it can cause vomiting and who else knows what? I asked the oncologist today: Why are we bothering with chemo if there's still a cancerous tumor? Answer: Chemo will slow the growth of the cancer and tumor.

So, all I have now is time. And hope. And faith. And prayers. And God.

Oh, I still have my Kerby! The love of my life!