Tuesday August 7, 2007
Well, here we are. A valiant fight it has been. I fought so hard for Kerby, my little man, my big boy, da Kerbs, my schnookum butt, my lil munchkin, my fuzz butt.
This picture was taken today at the vet's office. Tears in my eyes, Kerby still sedated.
We're in the last few weeks, or days, of Kerby's happy life. And boy did he enjoy his time here! I love him so much.
Ya see, I'm headed off to China in 36 hours on the 9th and will be gone for 10 days. Having a feeling that Kerby's tumor was growing back in his mouth, I wanted to bring him in to the oncologist for an in depth exam so I can "know". Well, now I know.
Paul came with me this time. Kerby's dad. Dr. Hamilton started by saying, "Unfortunately .....". All else was a blur to me. "The new chemo (cisplatin) is not working either (previously we tried carboplation and adriamycin)." "The tumor has indeed grown back; it is now 3+cm." I know that the last 3 times the tumor was in Kerby's mouth, they were all at least 4cm and they were BAD! Bleeding. Just bad!
The doc spoke again. "There is only 1 more choice ...." I knew then that there would be no "more choices". Kerby has gone through enough. I have gone through enough. Paul has gone through enough. My office has gone through enough seeing me cry over my desk about it. The only choice the doc said was to do radiation which really only minimizes the pain. It doesn't slow the growth of the tumor. It doesn't prevent the cancer from spreading. Paul and I opted to just increase his pain meds (Tramadol) to about 75mg/day.
This morning, before I took Kerby to the vet, I held him. I told him it's okay. He's FOUGHT SO FREAKIN HARD. I think he did it for me. I pushed him but in a good way. Kerby hasn't been "suffering" beyond belief. He's been very uncomfortable, depressed, tired, sometimes doesn't eat, vomits a little here and there, pees A LOT all over himself .... but that's all okay.
But the tumor growing back is not okay! It is okay, however, for my Kerbs to know how much I will always love my 1st baby!
It was so hard leaving Kerby today. But honestly, knowing that Paul will be watching Kerby for the next 2 weeks until I return from China is a true blessing. My heart went out to Paul as he cried more than I did today in that doctor's office. I am still numb. I have watched Kerby deteriorate before my eyes every day since the middle of April. Paul has not. He visits Kerby, but doesn't see it all the time.
Paul may have to make the hardest decision while I'm out of the country. I feel so guilty about that. Not for Kerby, but for Paul. He doesn't deserve to have to make that decision to send Kerby home to God. But I am as okay as I can be about it. If Kerby wants to wait for his momma to come back home, that will be icing on the cake! But I am prepared for the worst, hoping for just another couple of weeks until I return.
I love you Kerby! You are a fighter, my trooper, my love bug. Try to hang in there okay sweet boy! Mommy loves you baby!
Well, here we are. A valiant fight it has been. I fought so hard for Kerby, my little man, my big boy, da Kerbs, my schnookum butt, my lil munchkin, my fuzz butt.
This picture was taken today at the vet's office. Tears in my eyes, Kerby still sedated.
We're in the last few weeks, or days, of Kerby's happy life. And boy did he enjoy his time here! I love him so much.
Ya see, I'm headed off to China in 36 hours on the 9th and will be gone for 10 days. Having a feeling that Kerby's tumor was growing back in his mouth, I wanted to bring him in to the oncologist for an in depth exam so I can "know". Well, now I know.
Paul came with me this time. Kerby's dad. Dr. Hamilton started by saying, "Unfortunately .....". All else was a blur to me. "The new chemo (cisplatin) is not working either (previously we tried carboplation and adriamycin)." "The tumor has indeed grown back; it is now 3+cm." I know that the last 3 times the tumor was in Kerby's mouth, they were all at least 4cm and they were BAD! Bleeding. Just bad!
The doc spoke again. "There is only 1 more choice ...." I knew then that there would be no "more choices". Kerby has gone through enough. I have gone through enough. Paul has gone through enough. My office has gone through enough seeing me cry over my desk about it. The only choice the doc said was to do radiation which really only minimizes the pain. It doesn't slow the growth of the tumor. It doesn't prevent the cancer from spreading. Paul and I opted to just increase his pain meds (Tramadol) to about 75mg/day.
This morning, before I took Kerby to the vet, I held him. I told him it's okay. He's FOUGHT SO FREAKIN HARD. I think he did it for me. I pushed him but in a good way. Kerby hasn't been "suffering" beyond belief. He's been very uncomfortable, depressed, tired, sometimes doesn't eat, vomits a little here and there, pees A LOT all over himself .... but that's all okay.
But the tumor growing back is not okay! It is okay, however, for my Kerbs to know how much I will always love my 1st baby!
It was so hard leaving Kerby today. But honestly, knowing that Paul will be watching Kerby for the next 2 weeks until I return from China is a true blessing. My heart went out to Paul as he cried more than I did today in that doctor's office. I am still numb. I have watched Kerby deteriorate before my eyes every day since the middle of April. Paul has not. He visits Kerby, but doesn't see it all the time.
Paul may have to make the hardest decision while I'm out of the country. I feel so guilty about that. Not for Kerby, but for Paul. He doesn't deserve to have to make that decision to send Kerby home to God. But I am as okay as I can be about it. If Kerby wants to wait for his momma to come back home, that will be icing on the cake! But I am prepared for the worst, hoping for just another couple of weeks until I return.
I love you Kerby! You are a fighter, my trooper, my love bug. Try to hang in there okay sweet boy! Mommy loves you baby!
