when people are cremated, at least in the movies, you see their ashes sprayed over the ocean or mountains and it's a breezy clear day. you envision the ashes to be like those of cigarettes: dark in color, not heavy. well, i "picked up" Kerby today. man how freakin' morbid was THAT phone call the other day:
"This is so-and-so from the animal hospital .....". I actually had a brain freeze at that very moment. I was confused. I didn't know which of the 2 animal hospitals that Kerby visited the call was coming from. I was almost shocked to even getting a call anymore from the vet. It was a very weird feeling to not have Kerby around/alive ..... and still get a call from his vet. I even remember back in August when I got a call from Kerby's groomer; they reminded me that Kerby's due for a wash & cut. Even at that time, in August, I asked PetSmart to please remove me from your list because I wouldn't want to "get a call after Kerby is gone" reminding me that Kerby needs to be groomed. yeah .... morbid. Anyway .....
I "picked up" my baby today. I expected "the ashes". Not to be graphic here, but I opened the pretty little tin box and inside there was a clear "baggy" containing what looked like chopped up bones. SHIT! Little white bones. Almost like ground up seashells on a beach. I lost it right there in the parking lot. I can't believe Kerby is in THIS FREAKIN' BOX!!! Maybe I was surprised to not see dark cigarette ashes. More so, I just wasn't expecting to see "pieces". Holy shit. I want to have that box sealed SHUT so I never open it again. 11 days ago I was holding my son in my arms. Kissing his face, his head, stroking his hair, squeezing his paws, and whispering sweet nothings in his ear. And now he's ground up. I miss Kerby so darn much! It was strange having a birthday last week .... and not getting a "Happy Birthday MOM" card from Kerby ..... it was my 1st birthday in 11 years Kerby didn't get me a card ...
The cool thing, however, that I liked getting, was Kerby's paw print in ceramic. The vet wrote "Kerby, 1994-2007" and it's on a little round ceramic plate. That's cute. And i even looked real close at it and some of Kerby's white hair is "stuck" in the cement. That made me smile.
I have received so many sympathy cards this week from friends, co-workers, and my fellow bone cancer dog owners. Thanks to all who cared so much about my boy. He surely touched EVERYONE'S lives who knew him .... no doubt he was a unique little grouchy guy.
Hang in there Kerbs ..... I'll see you again soon and I'll bring your football and stuffed monkey toys, and a tennis ball that you can keep in your mouth all the time while growling at your buddies with love :-)
Rest in peace my love. Rest in peace .... you are pain-free now and going for long runs again. By the way, Monkey and Daddy really really miss you too!!
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Saturday, October 6, 2007
It's that time .....
i didn't think this would be this hard at this very moment, as i write. my tears can't stop. i will miss kerby so much. he is my son ... the only one i will ever know. i have (well kerby has) decided that he is ready to go home to God. i will take him to Roswell Animal Hospital tomorrow/Sunday at 12:30 to see his favorite vet, Dr. Ray. scott will be with me all day & night to comfort me.
how do i know it's time? everyone is right! kerby is letting me know, gently, that he's put up a valiant fight. i took my little man to the vet this morning for some "reassurance".
sure enough, kerby is bleeding extensively internally - he's had bloody diarrhea for a few days!! he probably has ulcers from the heavy doses of Prednisone steroids - which is a side effect. but i don't blame myself at all for those high doses and causing the ulcers. we tried to reduce the tumor!
kerby also isn't eating well. he is probably nauseous from his ulcers and doesn't have an appetite.
da kerbs also is walking very very slowly. he doesn't even want to walk outside. after a few steps, he stops or just takes 1 little step at a time. his back legs are weak and he's also taking a lot longer to get up the stairs.
and his eye. his eyes have always been windows to his beautiful soul. they are so expressive, loving and big. but now his tumor is growing so large that it's pushing his eye up/backwards and it's gel-like, red, gooey. vet confirmed that kerby must be in some pain and highly discomforted.
so, ya add all these things up and my decision isn't that tough.
The vet today gave kerby a lot of medicine to keep him feeling as good as possible today, and even in case i change my mind about tomorrow. Kerby got injections of antibiotics (metronidazole and baytril), 3 different meds for his ulcer (carafate, anzemet, famotidine) and pain (buprenex - which is like morphine).
i'd like thank some people who have been instrumental these past 6 months, since kerby's 1st diagnosis of osteosarcoma:
PAUL: 1st and foremost! you have loved kerby as much as, if not more than, i have for the 8 years you've known him. you have been the best dad any son can ever ask for. i know kerby will miss all your playing, all the times he's spent at your house with all your friends who also love him. kerby and you had the most special of bonds. thank you paul for loving our son and being there for him every step of the way! kerby loves his daddy!!!!!
Dr. Jill Ray: thank you for being a doctor that actually cares and someone who has incredible bed side manners. you always had time to see me & kerby, or look at pictures, or explain things to me on the phone. thanks for your sensitivity!
Dan: thank you for your intelligence, insight and helping Paul and me find unique ways to keep kerby alive for another 2 months!
Bone Cancer for Dogs website (http://pets.groups.yahoo.com/group/bonecancerdogs/): thank you for keeping me informed, educated, your prayers and for understanding just how difficult it is to experience the loss of your best fur friend.
Kathleen & Chris: thank you for your prayers, your 1st hand experience, your knowledge and for staying in touch with me and caring so much about a dog (and owner) that you have never even met!
My friends: Angie, Mellissa, Liz, Janice who know what it's like to love a dog as their own child!
Scott: i love you so much! thank you for holding me as i cried. thank you for wanting to be with me through my pain. thank you for being that one door that is opening while the door that held my life with kerby is closing. i look forward to you being the next "love of my life".
Run free Kerbs. Go play with Snowy. Go growl in the corner with a plush football in your mouth. Don't let anyone put those doggie booties on your paws! Find grandma Angie and let her hold you like a baby with your arms around her neck ... like you did with me all the time. Take afternoon naps in God's arms and fall asleep as you hear how much He loves you .... like you did with me all the time.
Kerbster, you have given me the most joy for the past 11 years. Thank you baby for teaching me what unconditional love is all about. Thank you for being the light in my darkest moments. Thank you for being my one and only son, Kerby!
Mommy will ALWAYS love you!
how do i know it's time? everyone is right! kerby is letting me know, gently, that he's put up a valiant fight. i took my little man to the vet this morning for some "reassurance".
sure enough, kerby is bleeding extensively internally - he's had bloody diarrhea for a few days!! he probably has ulcers from the heavy doses of Prednisone steroids - which is a side effect. but i don't blame myself at all for those high doses and causing the ulcers. we tried to reduce the tumor!
kerby also isn't eating well. he is probably nauseous from his ulcers and doesn't have an appetite.
da kerbs also is walking very very slowly. he doesn't even want to walk outside. after a few steps, he stops or just takes 1 little step at a time. his back legs are weak and he's also taking a lot longer to get up the stairs.
and his eye. his eyes have always been windows to his beautiful soul. they are so expressive, loving and big. but now his tumor is growing so large that it's pushing his eye up/backwards and it's gel-like, red, gooey. vet confirmed that kerby must be in some pain and highly discomforted.
so, ya add all these things up and my decision isn't that tough.
The vet today gave kerby a lot of medicine to keep him feeling as good as possible today, and even in case i change my mind about tomorrow. Kerby got injections of antibiotics (metronidazole and baytril), 3 different meds for his ulcer (carafate, anzemet, famotidine) and pain (buprenex - which is like morphine).
i'd like thank some people who have been instrumental these past 6 months, since kerby's 1st diagnosis of osteosarcoma:
PAUL: 1st and foremost! you have loved kerby as much as, if not more than, i have for the 8 years you've known him. you have been the best dad any son can ever ask for. i know kerby will miss all your playing, all the times he's spent at your house with all your friends who also love him. kerby and you had the most special of bonds. thank you paul for loving our son and being there for him every step of the way! kerby loves his daddy!!!!!
Dr. Jill Ray: thank you for being a doctor that actually cares and someone who has incredible bed side manners. you always had time to see me & kerby, or look at pictures, or explain things to me on the phone. thanks for your sensitivity!
Dan: thank you for your intelligence, insight and helping Paul and me find unique ways to keep kerby alive for another 2 months!
Bone Cancer for Dogs website (http://pets.groups.yahoo.com/group/bonecancerdogs/): thank you for keeping me informed, educated, your prayers and for understanding just how difficult it is to experience the loss of your best fur friend.
Kathleen & Chris: thank you for your prayers, your 1st hand experience, your knowledge and for staying in touch with me and caring so much about a dog (and owner) that you have never even met!
My friends: Angie, Mellissa, Liz, Janice who know what it's like to love a dog as their own child!
Scott: i love you so much! thank you for holding me as i cried. thank you for wanting to be with me through my pain. thank you for being that one door that is opening while the door that held my life with kerby is closing. i look forward to you being the next "love of my life".
Run free Kerbs. Go play with Snowy. Go growl in the corner with a plush football in your mouth. Don't let anyone put those doggie booties on your paws! Find grandma Angie and let her hold you like a baby with your arms around her neck ... like you did with me all the time. Take afternoon naps in God's arms and fall asleep as you hear how much He loves you .... like you did with me all the time.
Kerbster, you have given me the most joy for the past 11 years. Thank you baby for teaching me what unconditional love is all about. Thank you for being the light in my darkest moments. Thank you for being my one and only son, Kerby!
Mommy will ALWAYS love you!
Friday, October 5, 2007
End stages (caution: graphic photos!!)
i haven't written in a month because i have been afraid. i am afraid of my feelings and letting them go. also, there have been so many ups and downs with Kerby. i'm cautious about getting so excited seeing him wag his tail, give me kisses, eat all his food, not bleed. but then there are times like now ..... now scares me real bad. i feel the end is near. but i've said that before and kerby stunned me; shocked all of us actually at his tenaciousness to live and love living. but now is different. i just read this comment on the internet:
How will I know when?
If your pet can no longer experience the things it once enjoyed, cannot respond to you in its usual ways, or appears to be experiencing more pain than pleasure, you may need to consider euthanasia.
kerby had a very bad week ... his worst. the scabs on his oral tumor fell off, exposing his golf-ball size tumor. it was raw. it didn't stop bleeding for an entire DAY. all over the house. the tumor is growing so large, it's protruding his eye so far into his head that his eye is "in the back of his head" and red and full of puss. he has pooped in the house every day, and it's very soft poop. and i just noticed he is "bleeding diarrhea". that is what is most scary. the blood. bloody diarrhea cannot be a good thing obviously. also, kerby's back legs are starting to get weak. he does not like to walk outside anymore. and when he does walk, he is VERY slow. very slow. like he doesn't want to walk.
but i remember my vet saying that as long as kerby is eating well, he is okay. when he stops eating, then "it's time". i'm torn. kerby is eating his food and taking his meds very well.
i'm asked all the time: is kerby in pain?? i'm not really sure. i associate him being in pain perhaps with him "yelping or crying". and since he doesn't do that, i assume he's not in pain.
then again, should i assume that since he's walking so slowly, his eye is looking "backwards", his tumor is literally a golf-ball and his poop is bloody .... that he is in pain?
God, I wish I knew. I've also been told that "Kerby will let me know". I suppose that is the case. In the meantime, I continue to love him, care for him, and make him as comfy as possible.
For the record, Kerby's current meds are (he's 18 lbs):
Prednisone: 20 mg/day
Tramadol: 100 mg/day (i just increased this from 50 mg/day)
Green Tea extract + Grape Seed extract (anti-oxidants)
Genetian Violet topical solution (which stains purple)
Campho-phenique
and he eats soft/canned Pedigree food.
oh, can't forget his sugar-free vanilla ice cream every night too!
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Kerby ... my little MIRACLE boy!!
Kerby is alive and kicking!!!!!!!!!!! I apologize for not updating sooner but being in China for 10 days, plus issues with my computer at home, I haven't had the time to write as much as I wished. I want to give you all the update on Kerby, since I last wrote on August 7th. What I need to do, however, is 1st copy/paste the posting that Paul wrote on my blog while I was in China. Then I will let ya know the details of how Kerby is. Here goes:
Paul wrote this on August 18th:
Hello I'm Paul - "The Kerbs Dad". Since Kerri has been in china for the last two weeks I have had him. She got him checked out at the surgical specialist center on Abernathy Rd. before she left. Stated that nothing could be done for Kerby. As Kerri, it's tough to swallow. The cyst in his mouth got to be the size of a plum on the side of his head and who knows how big in his mouth due to he couldn't open it. In just 3 quick days since I had kerb he was done. It happened so quick and before you know it, he was foaming at the mouth and I tried to feed him and all he did is lay in his food which was terrible for 2 reasons. First is shock and 2nd is it was alpo gravy that I drained thinking he could lick it up. Friday (august 10th) I made "the choice" (to put Kerby down) but 1 mile down the road I couldn't continue driving due to a crying fit and i couldn't see the road. Well thank GOD that traffic is bad on fri. in Atlanta. I turned the car around and brought kerby home and the pressure was on. Anyone who knows me well knows that is when I work best. I called a paramedic dan who is known as the healin man. He was kind enough to come over and look at kerb and he was back the next day with prednisone, green tea extract, and raw beef. I followed his unorthodox requests due to kerby was already set up for "the choice". After I saw Kerri spend $300 on a check-up just days before and no other options noted by the oncologist, I prayed... and four hours later Kerby wagged his tail. 24 hours later Kerby was making a recovery. It is 7 days later and the cyst is GONE and he is barking at every sound and licking like kernel sanders. He is still weak from the chemo. and the cancer but the turn around was truly amazing thanks to Dan. Again, Thank you Very Much from the bottom of my heart! Paul .....
P.S. Dr. Hamilton (oncologist), I hope that when your time comes, they do not send you home to starve to death like almost happened to Kerby. It looks like "the Kerb" will die with DIGNITY!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whew ..... ok, this is Kerri again. Ya see, when I went o China, I had my blackberry and was able to check all emails. Paul didn't know this, so I read this email when I was in Beijing, that Paul was driving Kerby to get put down, and that now he was doing so well .... wow! I cry every time I think of it! I just knew Kerby wouldn't wait for my return. But he did!! And he is doing SOOOOO well, considering!
Paul and Dan did everything in their power to make sure Kerby would kiss me again! Paul, the chef that he is, experimented in the kitchen, fed Kerby everything and anything to see what worked. Dan, the highly intelligent paramedic, was Kerby's "healing doctor". Between the two of them, a regimen was set up.
Kerby's meds:
Prednisone (a steroid) 20mg/day to help shrink the tumor, which is still in there and big!
Green tea extract
Proin (generic brand) 25mg/day to help his incontinence.
Tramadol 25mg/day for pain
His treats (don't laugh but it works and he LOVES it all):
French Onion dip (he licks it from the tub)
Vanilla pudding cups
Ice cream cups
Blueberries & ice cream (the dark berries are an anti-oxidant)
Coffee creamer
I know, it all sounds and looks unorthodox but for now, his poop looks normal, he is extremely active and happy, he gives me kisses often, his hair is growing back, I mince his meds in his food and he eats like a horse 2x a day.
Last week, I just happen to look in his mouth and saw an additional HUGE 2 INCH x 2 INCH (not centimeters) black & purple shiny "ball" attached to his gums. It was nasty gross and scared the shit out of me. I took pictures of it but will spare all of you the horror! Man, my Kerby is sure teaching me patience. I didn't panic and just figured things out the next few days and helped him recover. At that time, I increased his steroid meds to shrink the growth and that helped.
Why, you may ask, did the oncologist never suggest this? Apparently they believe, according to their studies, that prednisone does nothing to help osteosarcoma of the jaw? who the heck knows .... I'm over the doctors, except Kerby's "regular" vet who we both love because she is caring and sensitive!
Anyway, that's my rant and boasting about my baby boy. The other morning I was thinking: Kerby may indeed be my only "child" in my life. And if so, that is okay with me because I have truly experienced how to love and care for something that is such a part of me. I have nursed Kerby back to health, stayed up with him when sick, spent an obscene amount of $ in medical bills .... but most importantly, I have received in return his unconditional love and he has given me the most joy a mother can ask for. Kerby is my son. I love you my little miracle boy!!
Paul wrote this on August 18th:
Hello I'm Paul - "The Kerbs Dad". Since Kerri has been in china for the last two weeks I have had him. She got him checked out at the surgical specialist center on Abernathy Rd. before she left. Stated that nothing could be done for Kerby. As Kerri, it's tough to swallow. The cyst in his mouth got to be the size of a plum on the side of his head and who knows how big in his mouth due to he couldn't open it. In just 3 quick days since I had kerb he was done. It happened so quick and before you know it, he was foaming at the mouth and I tried to feed him and all he did is lay in his food which was terrible for 2 reasons. First is shock and 2nd is it was alpo gravy that I drained thinking he could lick it up. Friday (august 10th) I made "the choice" (to put Kerby down) but 1 mile down the road I couldn't continue driving due to a crying fit and i couldn't see the road. Well thank GOD that traffic is bad on fri. in Atlanta. I turned the car around and brought kerby home and the pressure was on. Anyone who knows me well knows that is when I work best. I called a paramedic dan who is known as the healin man. He was kind enough to come over and look at kerb and he was back the next day with prednisone, green tea extract, and raw beef. I followed his unorthodox requests due to kerby was already set up for "the choice". After I saw Kerri spend $300 on a check-up just days before and no other options noted by the oncologist, I prayed... and four hours later Kerby wagged his tail. 24 hours later Kerby was making a recovery. It is 7 days later and the cyst is GONE and he is barking at every sound and licking like kernel sanders. He is still weak from the chemo. and the cancer but the turn around was truly amazing thanks to Dan. Again, Thank you Very Much from the bottom of my heart! Paul .....
P.S. Dr. Hamilton (oncologist), I hope that when your time comes, they do not send you home to starve to death like almost happened to Kerby. It looks like "the Kerb" will die with DIGNITY!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whew ..... ok, this is Kerri again. Ya see, when I went o China, I had my blackberry and was able to check all emails. Paul didn't know this, so I read this email when I was in Beijing, that Paul was driving Kerby to get put down, and that now he was doing so well .... wow! I cry every time I think of it! I just knew Kerby wouldn't wait for my return. But he did!! And he is doing SOOOOO well, considering!
Paul and Dan did everything in their power to make sure Kerby would kiss me again! Paul, the chef that he is, experimented in the kitchen, fed Kerby everything and anything to see what worked. Dan, the highly intelligent paramedic, was Kerby's "healing doctor". Between the two of them, a regimen was set up.
Kerby's meds:
Prednisone (a steroid) 20mg/day to help shrink the tumor, which is still in there and big!
Green tea extract
Proin (generic brand) 25mg/day to help his incontinence.
Tramadol 25mg/day for pain
His treats (don't laugh but it works and he LOVES it all):
French Onion dip (he licks it from the tub)
Vanilla pudding cups
Ice cream cups
Blueberries & ice cream (the dark berries are an anti-oxidant)
Coffee creamer
I know, it all sounds and looks unorthodox but for now, his poop looks normal, he is extremely active and happy, he gives me kisses often, his hair is growing back, I mince his meds in his food and he eats like a horse 2x a day.
Last week, I just happen to look in his mouth and saw an additional HUGE 2 INCH x 2 INCH (not centimeters) black & purple shiny "ball" attached to his gums. It was nasty gross and scared the shit out of me. I took pictures of it but will spare all of you the horror! Man, my Kerby is sure teaching me patience. I didn't panic and just figured things out the next few days and helped him recover. At that time, I increased his steroid meds to shrink the growth and that helped.
Why, you may ask, did the oncologist never suggest this? Apparently they believe, according to their studies, that prednisone does nothing to help osteosarcoma of the jaw? who the heck knows .... I'm over the doctors, except Kerby's "regular" vet who we both love because she is caring and sensitive!
Anyway, that's my rant and boasting about my baby boy. The other morning I was thinking: Kerby may indeed be my only "child" in my life. And if so, that is okay with me because I have truly experienced how to love and care for something that is such a part of me. I have nursed Kerby back to health, stayed up with him when sick, spent an obscene amount of $ in medical bills .... but most importantly, I have received in return his unconditional love and he has given me the most joy a mother can ask for. Kerby is my son. I love you my little miracle boy!!
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Down the "home" stretch with my little man
Tuesday August 7, 2007
Well, here we are. A valiant fight it has been. I fought so hard for Kerby, my little man, my big boy, da Kerbs, my schnookum butt, my lil munchkin, my fuzz butt.
This picture was taken today at the vet's office. Tears in my eyes, Kerby still sedated.
We're in the last few weeks, or days, of Kerby's happy life. And boy did he enjoy his time here! I love him so much.
Ya see, I'm headed off to China in 36 hours on the 9th and will be gone for 10 days. Having a feeling that Kerby's tumor was growing back in his mouth, I wanted to bring him in to the oncologist for an in depth exam so I can "know". Well, now I know.
Paul came with me this time. Kerby's dad. Dr. Hamilton started by saying, "Unfortunately .....". All else was a blur to me. "The new chemo (cisplatin) is not working either (previously we tried carboplation and adriamycin)." "The tumor has indeed grown back; it is now 3+cm." I know that the last 3 times the tumor was in Kerby's mouth, they were all at least 4cm and they were BAD! Bleeding. Just bad!
The doc spoke again. "There is only 1 more choice ...." I knew then that there would be no "more choices". Kerby has gone through enough. I have gone through enough. Paul has gone through enough. My office has gone through enough seeing me cry over my desk about it. The only choice the doc said was to do radiation which really only minimizes the pain. It doesn't slow the growth of the tumor. It doesn't prevent the cancer from spreading. Paul and I opted to just increase his pain meds (Tramadol) to about 75mg/day.
This morning, before I took Kerby to the vet, I held him. I told him it's okay. He's FOUGHT SO FREAKIN HARD. I think he did it for me. I pushed him but in a good way. Kerby hasn't been "suffering" beyond belief. He's been very uncomfortable, depressed, tired, sometimes doesn't eat, vomits a little here and there, pees A LOT all over himself .... but that's all okay.
But the tumor growing back is not okay! It is okay, however, for my Kerbs to know how much I will always love my 1st baby!
It was so hard leaving Kerby today. But honestly, knowing that Paul will be watching Kerby for the next 2 weeks until I return from China is a true blessing. My heart went out to Paul as he cried more than I did today in that doctor's office. I am still numb. I have watched Kerby deteriorate before my eyes every day since the middle of April. Paul has not. He visits Kerby, but doesn't see it all the time.
Paul may have to make the hardest decision while I'm out of the country. I feel so guilty about that. Not for Kerby, but for Paul. He doesn't deserve to have to make that decision to send Kerby home to God. But I am as okay as I can be about it. If Kerby wants to wait for his momma to come back home, that will be icing on the cake! But I am prepared for the worst, hoping for just another couple of weeks until I return.
I love you Kerby! You are a fighter, my trooper, my love bug. Try to hang in there okay sweet boy! Mommy loves you baby!
Well, here we are. A valiant fight it has been. I fought so hard for Kerby, my little man, my big boy, da Kerbs, my schnookum butt, my lil munchkin, my fuzz butt.
This picture was taken today at the vet's office. Tears in my eyes, Kerby still sedated.
We're in the last few weeks, or days, of Kerby's happy life. And boy did he enjoy his time here! I love him so much.
Ya see, I'm headed off to China in 36 hours on the 9th and will be gone for 10 days. Having a feeling that Kerby's tumor was growing back in his mouth, I wanted to bring him in to the oncologist for an in depth exam so I can "know". Well, now I know.
Paul came with me this time. Kerby's dad. Dr. Hamilton started by saying, "Unfortunately .....". All else was a blur to me. "The new chemo (cisplatin) is not working either (previously we tried carboplation and adriamycin)." "The tumor has indeed grown back; it is now 3+cm." I know that the last 3 times the tumor was in Kerby's mouth, they were all at least 4cm and they were BAD! Bleeding. Just bad!
The doc spoke again. "There is only 1 more choice ...." I knew then that there would be no "more choices". Kerby has gone through enough. I have gone through enough. Paul has gone through enough. My office has gone through enough seeing me cry over my desk about it. The only choice the doc said was to do radiation which really only minimizes the pain. It doesn't slow the growth of the tumor. It doesn't prevent the cancer from spreading. Paul and I opted to just increase his pain meds (Tramadol) to about 75mg/day.
This morning, before I took Kerby to the vet, I held him. I told him it's okay. He's FOUGHT SO FREAKIN HARD. I think he did it for me. I pushed him but in a good way. Kerby hasn't been "suffering" beyond belief. He's been very uncomfortable, depressed, tired, sometimes doesn't eat, vomits a little here and there, pees A LOT all over himself .... but that's all okay.
But the tumor growing back is not okay! It is okay, however, for my Kerbs to know how much I will always love my 1st baby!
It was so hard leaving Kerby today. But honestly, knowing that Paul will be watching Kerby for the next 2 weeks until I return from China is a true blessing. My heart went out to Paul as he cried more than I did today in that doctor's office. I am still numb. I have watched Kerby deteriorate before my eyes every day since the middle of April. Paul has not. He visits Kerby, but doesn't see it all the time.
Paul may have to make the hardest decision while I'm out of the country. I feel so guilty about that. Not for Kerby, but for Paul. He doesn't deserve to have to make that decision to send Kerby home to God. But I am as okay as I can be about it. If Kerby wants to wait for his momma to come back home, that will be icing on the cake! But I am prepared for the worst, hoping for just another couple of weeks until I return.
I love you Kerby! You are a fighter, my trooper, my love bug. Try to hang in there okay sweet boy! Mommy loves you baby!
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Oh Baby ....
.... baby food that is. Such is the life of a caring, loving pet owner who is doing everything she can stand to do to help her dog live a pain and cancer free life. What a freakin roller coaster ride this is. Every single darn day. Up: he ate a few kibbles. Down: he vomited water & blood. Yeah this is my life, the life chosen for me at this point. The life I have to accept. I love Kerby with all my heart and I just hope that all I am doing for him will buy him some more quality time.
And that's the question: Quality time. What is that? Everyone asks me these days: have you thought about sparing him, easing him, letting him go, ending his suffering. I honestly believe that if I truly thought Kerby was "suffering" and there are no further options, then the answer is a yes, for sure. I think I know when that time will come. I saw it a few weeks ago when his tumor grew back and he was bleeding. Option at that time? Remove the tumor and do the last known chemo. Now, at this point, if the tumor grows back, and cries in pain again, that will be my decision.
As for now, today specifically, he vomited water & blood this morning. Didn't eat his food or his peanut butter w/ his pain meds snuck in there. I called the vet, they said to try baby food. Between that call and me getting back home, a few cocktails of my own were in order. This shit ain't easy folks. So, looks like Kerby enjoyed his Beech Nut Chicken & Rice baby food, Stage 2 for less than 6 month olds. UGH!!!!!!!!!!! Who would have thunk it? I never imagined.
I only hope and pray that this is all just temporary. It's the chemo effecting him. His belly hurts and the fluids from the chemo are seeping out all the time. This will pass. I will come home from China in a few weeks and Kerby will be half way done with his new rounds of chemo. He'll be fine. And so will his mommy.
And that's the question: Quality time. What is that? Everyone asks me these days: have you thought about sparing him, easing him, letting him go, ending his suffering. I honestly believe that if I truly thought Kerby was "suffering" and there are no further options, then the answer is a yes, for sure. I think I know when that time will come. I saw it a few weeks ago when his tumor grew back and he was bleeding. Option at that time? Remove the tumor and do the last known chemo. Now, at this point, if the tumor grows back, and cries in pain again, that will be my decision.
As for now, today specifically, he vomited water & blood this morning. Didn't eat his food or his peanut butter w/ his pain meds snuck in there. I called the vet, they said to try baby food. Between that call and me getting back home, a few cocktails of my own were in order. This shit ain't easy folks. So, looks like Kerby enjoyed his Beech Nut Chicken & Rice baby food, Stage 2 for less than 6 month olds. UGH!!!!!!!!!!! Who would have thunk it? I never imagined.
I only hope and pray that this is all just temporary. It's the chemo effecting him. His belly hurts and the fluids from the chemo are seeping out all the time. This will pass. I will come home from China in a few weeks and Kerby will be half way done with his new rounds of chemo. He'll be fine. And so will his mommy.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Chemo ... once again
Wednesday, July 25th
Those of you who know Kerby, know that this picture looks nothing like him at all. This is the effect of cancer and chemo! While his eyes are still expressive, they are so in a very sad looking way! It breaks my heart!
I am numb. I am going through the motions of doing the best I can for my Kerby. I get the information, the facts, the confirmed diagnosis of Osteosarcoma. I speak with the oncologist and it appears the only option is to try the "3rd & last type of chemo" that we didn't use already. The other 2 chemos didn't work, since the tumor grew back very fast!
Kerby had his 3rd surgery in 3 months on July 11th (2 weeks ago). The surgeon was only able to remove 95% of the tumor in his mouth. Yes .... there's still 5% of a cancerous tumor in my baby's mouth. What to do? I don't think there are many options at this point. Oral tumors grow back VERY FREAKIN' FAST. So, we started chemo again today. Cisplatin is the name of it. I didn't choose it before b/c it's not healthy for the kidneys, it can cause vomiting and who else knows what? I asked the oncologist today: Why are we bothering with chemo if there's still a cancerous tumor? Answer: Chemo will slow the growth of the cancer and tumor.
So, all I have now is time. And hope. And faith. And prayers. And God.
Oh, I still have my Kerby! The love of my life!
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Never gonna stop ....
Tuesday, July 10th
What a day ... I think I cried enough tears today to fix Georgia's draught! On the way to bringing Kerby to GVS this morning, I heard Daughtry's song, "I'm Going Home" and with Kerby on my lap, I was convinced that was God asking me to "lend" Kerby to Him. I cried. Then leaving Kerby and driving to my office, I spoke with the 2 men in my life and hyperventilated to both of them. I cried - boy did I cry a river. Got in my office and told folks the deal. Again, I cried. Went to lunch and they all chatted about their loving dogs. I cried ... a lot. I got hugs from my coworkers and pats on my back. I cried.
I was making the decision to not go ahead with any more surgeries. I can't "put Kerby" thru anything else. But then Kerby's dad told me that I need to fight one last fight. How can I not? Last night, Kerby wagged his tail and gave me kisses for God's sake!!! Ok, he peed on himself but ahhh, that's nothin'. I got KISSES from Kerbs. He is being strong and then so do I need to be.
My heart actually feels relieved and sort of "happy" (errr, happIER is probably the better term) that I made the decision to go ahead with the surgery.
Wednesday, 1st thing in the morning, I bring Kerby back to GVS so Dr. Duval, the surgeon, can remove Kerby's tumor ONCE AGAIN. Last time, she said the tumor was so close to the brain that she is not sure she can get "close enough margins AROUND the tumor" to get rid of all the cancer. This remains the case ... and probably was the case the 1st time. Hey, either hit the brain or not get all the cancer out? Hmmm ... glad I'm not a surgeon ....
Anyway, as I'm typing, Barry White's song comes on ... an anthem of mine of sorts. It's my song for Kerby:
"you've given me much more than words can ever say, i'll be right here to your dying day, i just know that i love you so and it gives me such a thrill. i'm never ever gonna give you up, never gonna stop, i'm never ever gonna quit cause quittin just ain't my stick, i'm never gonna stop all the things i feel about ya...."
Mommy loves you Kerby. Don't quit ... nor will I ....
What a day ... I think I cried enough tears today to fix Georgia's draught! On the way to bringing Kerby to GVS this morning, I heard Daughtry's song, "I'm Going Home" and with Kerby on my lap, I was convinced that was God asking me to "lend" Kerby to Him. I cried. Then leaving Kerby and driving to my office, I spoke with the 2 men in my life and hyperventilated to both of them. I cried - boy did I cry a river. Got in my office and told folks the deal. Again, I cried. Went to lunch and they all chatted about their loving dogs. I cried ... a lot. I got hugs from my coworkers and pats on my back. I cried.
I was making the decision to not go ahead with any more surgeries. I can't "put Kerby" thru anything else. But then Kerby's dad told me that I need to fight one last fight. How can I not? Last night, Kerby wagged his tail and gave me kisses for God's sake!!! Ok, he peed on himself but ahhh, that's nothin'. I got KISSES from Kerbs. He is being strong and then so do I need to be.
My heart actually feels relieved and sort of "happy" (errr, happIER is probably the better term) that I made the decision to go ahead with the surgery.
Wednesday, 1st thing in the morning, I bring Kerby back to GVS so Dr. Duval, the surgeon, can remove Kerby's tumor ONCE AGAIN. Last time, she said the tumor was so close to the brain that she is not sure she can get "close enough margins AROUND the tumor" to get rid of all the cancer. This remains the case ... and probably was the case the 1st time. Hey, either hit the brain or not get all the cancer out? Hmmm ... glad I'm not a surgeon ....
Anyway, as I'm typing, Barry White's song comes on ... an anthem of mine of sorts. It's my song for Kerby:
"you've given me much more than words can ever say, i'll be right here to your dying day, i just know that i love you so and it gives me such a thrill. i'm never ever gonna give you up, never gonna stop, i'm never ever gonna quit cause quittin just ain't my stick, i'm never gonna stop all the things i feel about ya...."
Mommy loves you Kerby. Don't quit ... nor will I ....
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Tumor is back
Sunday July 8
I don't get it. Will it help if I say I am really upset with the oncologist? It should make me feel better right? MAN! A month ago, before Kerby went in for his 2nd chemo treatment, I told the oncologist that Kerby's breath smelled and I think something is wrong, growing in there again. He "looked & felt" around and concluding nothing was in there. Well, again, on Kerby's 3rd chemo treatment on June 26th, I reported the same issues. Once again, I got the "nope, nothing's there however if you are concerned, we can do radiographs of his jaw."
That was not even a full 2 weeks ago. Now, there's blood coming from Kerby's mouth and so I take a freakin' flashlight and shine in to see this MASSIVE tumor. What the .....? I really don't understand how, if the doctor didn't see ANYTHING (which I am highly doubtful), how this tumor could've grown to 3cm in the week & a half since his last visit! Do the doctors think they are dealing with idiots here? Do they just want me to spend the $ on xrays? I don't get it.
Anyway, I took Kerby to the ER of Georgia Vet Specialists lastnight and sure enough, there's the tumor. No shit sherlock! Where'd you get your degree? UGH! They wanted to send me home and that's it? The surgeon who operated on Kerby is in surgery all day Monday and the oncologist isn't in until Tuesday so the 1st chance Kerby can be seen by the "professionals dealing with this magnitude" is Tuesday. What we did for the time being, was order 3 chest xrays. A good start to see if the cancer spread. From what the DVM sees, nothing to be alarmed about but of course I need to wait until Tuesday for the oncologist and the radiologist to read the results and make a formal determination.
I will bring Kerby in on Tuesday also to see if oncologist wants to "do anything" like a biopsy or who knows what else.
I'm just at my wits end sorta. I do everything I can for my dog to help him out and make him live a pain-free life with this cancer. I just hope & pray the trained doctors are doing the same. I really hope, in a way, the oncologist really didn't see anything in Kerby's mouth and was telling me the truth.
In the meantime, Kerby is still eating his food & drinking ok. No vomiting or diarrhea. However there is blood in his mouth and we all know that I can not stand the sight of blood. It scares me beyond belief!
I will be patient, pray and put it all in God's hands. 'Til Tuesday ....
I don't get it. Will it help if I say I am really upset with the oncologist? It should make me feel better right? MAN! A month ago, before Kerby went in for his 2nd chemo treatment, I told the oncologist that Kerby's breath smelled and I think something is wrong, growing in there again. He "looked & felt" around and concluding nothing was in there. Well, again, on Kerby's 3rd chemo treatment on June 26th, I reported the same issues. Once again, I got the "nope, nothing's there however if you are concerned, we can do radiographs of his jaw."
That was not even a full 2 weeks ago. Now, there's blood coming from Kerby's mouth and so I take a freakin' flashlight and shine in to see this MASSIVE tumor. What the .....? I really don't understand how, if the doctor didn't see ANYTHING (which I am highly doubtful), how this tumor could've grown to 3cm in the week & a half since his last visit! Do the doctors think they are dealing with idiots here? Do they just want me to spend the $ on xrays? I don't get it.
Anyway, I took Kerby to the ER of Georgia Vet Specialists lastnight and sure enough, there's the tumor. No shit sherlock! Where'd you get your degree? UGH! They wanted to send me home and that's it? The surgeon who operated on Kerby is in surgery all day Monday and the oncologist isn't in until Tuesday so the 1st chance Kerby can be seen by the "professionals dealing with this magnitude" is Tuesday. What we did for the time being, was order 3 chest xrays. A good start to see if the cancer spread. From what the DVM sees, nothing to be alarmed about but of course I need to wait until Tuesday for the oncologist and the radiologist to read the results and make a formal determination.
I will bring Kerby in on Tuesday also to see if oncologist wants to "do anything" like a biopsy or who knows what else.
I'm just at my wits end sorta. I do everything I can for my dog to help him out and make him live a pain-free life with this cancer. I just hope & pray the trained doctors are doing the same. I really hope, in a way, the oncologist really didn't see anything in Kerby's mouth and was telling me the truth.
In the meantime, Kerby is still eating his food & drinking ok. No vomiting or diarrhea. However there is blood in his mouth and we all know that I can not stand the sight of blood. It scares me beyond belief!
I will be patient, pray and put it all in God's hands. 'Til Tuesday ....
Friday, June 29, 2007
Reality Bites
i walked into PetSmart and there they were. all the bones, chewies, toys and balls. it hit me hard. my Kerby may not enjoy any of his life's pleasures anymore. he sure isn't enjoying any of them now. as you may know, Kerby has bone cancer in the jaw and his upper back jaw was removed on May 2. he's in the middle of his 6 chemo treatments. and he's not himself anymore.
while he is alive, yes i am thankful for that, he is going downhill and i am doing my best to accept that. when i look at Kerby now, i'm sad. he is lifeless. he mainly just lays around. he doesn't pick up his toys anymore. he's not crazy about just any treat; he needs the really small soft ones. it takes him forever to eat his food. he stares with a blank expression over his beautiful big brown eyes. he cries out if there's a toy in his mouth as if it hurts him. he cries out when i come home, appearing as if his mouth hurts him. he is favoring the spot where his jaw was removed. it's just sad. i know my baby will pass away one day and walk over the rainbow bridge but i just wish it weren't soon.
i'm not ready to let you go Kerbs.who will i come home to? who will sit next to me when i watch tv? who will spoon with me? who will love me as much as he does? who will commit to me for the 10+ years that he has? who will i hold when i cry? who will i care about? who will care about me? who will i love like this again?
yes, i will be sad and lonely when Kerby is gone. i already am, and you're still here .....
while he is alive, yes i am thankful for that, he is going downhill and i am doing my best to accept that. when i look at Kerby now, i'm sad. he is lifeless. he mainly just lays around. he doesn't pick up his toys anymore. he's not crazy about just any treat; he needs the really small soft ones. it takes him forever to eat his food. he stares with a blank expression over his beautiful big brown eyes. he cries out if there's a toy in his mouth as if it hurts him. he cries out when i come home, appearing as if his mouth hurts him. he is favoring the spot where his jaw was removed. it's just sad. i know my baby will pass away one day and walk over the rainbow bridge but i just wish it weren't soon.
i'm not ready to let you go Kerbs.who will i come home to? who will sit next to me when i watch tv? who will spoon with me? who will love me as much as he does? who will commit to me for the 10+ years that he has? who will i hold when i cry? who will i care about? who will care about me? who will i love like this again?
yes, i will be sad and lonely when Kerby is gone. i already am, and you're still here .....
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Hangin' in there
Thursday, June 21st
Kerby's 2nd chemo treatment of Adriamycin was June 5th and he has not had one adverse side effect at all. YIPPIE!! I gave him over-the-counter Pepcid AC 3 days prior to the chemo shot and 3 days after. In addition to the Pepcid, the oncologist gave me a prescription of Metronidazole which is an anti-nausea medicine. I gave Kerby 1/4 pill for 1 week after the chemo. No vomiting, no diarrhea, no nausea, no loss of appetite. OK, the only minor change was his "attitude". Kerby was depressed looking, sad, lethargic and tired. I mean, he had poison injected into his little body and I hear this is a relatively "normal" reaction even in people. So there ya have it. Kerby's update. He's been with his dad for the past week while I was recovering from surgery ... I didn't want Kerbs jumping on me plus I wasn't able to walk him. I hear Kerby is "fattening up" a bit which is excellent and what he needs - he needs his strength to endure the next 4 chemo shots.
Can't wait to see my little man in a few days!
Kerby's 2nd chemo treatment of Adriamycin was June 5th and he has not had one adverse side effect at all. YIPPIE!! I gave him over-the-counter Pepcid AC 3 days prior to the chemo shot and 3 days after. In addition to the Pepcid, the oncologist gave me a prescription of Metronidazole which is an anti-nausea medicine. I gave Kerby 1/4 pill for 1 week after the chemo. No vomiting, no diarrhea, no nausea, no loss of appetite. OK, the only minor change was his "attitude". Kerby was depressed looking, sad, lethargic and tired. I mean, he had poison injected into his little body and I hear this is a relatively "normal" reaction even in people. So there ya have it. Kerby's update. He's been with his dad for the past week while I was recovering from surgery ... I didn't want Kerbs jumping on me plus I wasn't able to walk him. I hear Kerby is "fattening up" a bit which is excellent and what he needs - he needs his strength to endure the next 4 chemo shots.
Can't wait to see my little man in a few days!
Monday, June 4, 2007
Turning the corner?
Monday, June 4th
I think Kerby may have taken a small turn around the corner. He doesn't appear to be "incredible" anymore. He seems depressed, lethargic. I refrained from giving him any toys b/c I didn't want anything in his mouth during recovery. So this weekend, noticing his sadness, I gave him some toys and he wouldn't care to play with them. Now THAT is a HUGE deal with Kerbs. But what is MOST bothersome to me is the bad odor coming from his mouth again. This is how we detected his tumor in the 1st place. I am wondering if something is growing back in his mouth again.
I had Kerby scheduled to get his 2nd chemo treatment on June 6 but I have decided to get him in to see the oncologist asap. He goes in tomorrow morning for his 2nd chemo and to have his mouth examined. I read that his next treatment (Adriamycin) will most likely cause vomiting. I was given the ok to give Kerby over-the-counter Pepcid AC 1x/day, starting 3 days before his treatment and then 3 days after to help reduce/avoid nausea. We shall see how he does .... paws crossed!
I am emotionally spent from so many major situations going on in my life. I was hoping that Kerby was on his way to getting better - and he may well be - but this is just so darn taxing on my heart. It's tough. I wonder how long I have the fight in me. I wonder how long Kerby has the fight in him. It's all in God's hands ... I know that.
I think Kerby may have taken a small turn around the corner. He doesn't appear to be "incredible" anymore. He seems depressed, lethargic. I refrained from giving him any toys b/c I didn't want anything in his mouth during recovery. So this weekend, noticing his sadness, I gave him some toys and he wouldn't care to play with them. Now THAT is a HUGE deal with Kerbs. But what is MOST bothersome to me is the bad odor coming from his mouth again. This is how we detected his tumor in the 1st place. I am wondering if something is growing back in his mouth again.
I had Kerby scheduled to get his 2nd chemo treatment on June 6 but I have decided to get him in to see the oncologist asap. He goes in tomorrow morning for his 2nd chemo and to have his mouth examined. I read that his next treatment (Adriamycin) will most likely cause vomiting. I was given the ok to give Kerby over-the-counter Pepcid AC 1x/day, starting 3 days before his treatment and then 3 days after to help reduce/avoid nausea. We shall see how he does .... paws crossed!
I am emotionally spent from so many major situations going on in my life. I was hoping that Kerby was on his way to getting better - and he may well be - but this is just so darn taxing on my heart. It's tough. I wonder how long I have the fight in me. I wonder how long Kerby has the fight in him. It's all in God's hands ... I know that.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Doing incredible ...
Tuesday, May 29It's been 2 weeks since Kerby's 1st chemo treatment and I am amazed at how incredible he is acting. Kerby is as active as ever .... I am even guilty for thinking he's "annoyingly" hyper, but I say that in the most loving way :-) Kerby is non-stop jumping, licking, wants to play, chasing his brother all the time. He's just an all-around happy healthy dog with bone cancer who just had his upper jaw removed!
Kerby is still eating a combo of his dry kibbles, but I wet it down and throw in a scoop of the same brand wet food. I think he can be drinking a little more water, but he's getting better. Oh, and he's gained a few of the pounds back, and is a major poopin' machine. So yeah, he's back to "normal".
We go back on June 6th for his 2nd chemo treatment which will be Adriamycin (doxorubucin). I have read from my bone cancer friends that this chemo will produce more side effects than the Carboplatin, which was his 1st chemo treatment where he had NO effects whatsoever. I can "expect" Kerby to vomit and have dry heaves in the middle of the night. At least this is what others have experienced - so I can at least be prepared, which is all I ask for! I don't like the unknown. I want to know what to expect, if possible.
So, that's the update. Kerby is incredible, happy, healthy on the outside (not sure about the inside). I don't regret any decision I have made to this date. The tumor is out of his mouth and we are currently doing OUR BEST to prevent the cancer from spreading throughout his little body. 5 more chemo treatments to go ......
Oh, and 1 more THANK YOU to all my friends, once again, on the canine bone cancer website. We read about "1st chemo jitters", doubts, sympathies and research. We are there for each other. Thank you everyone for being there with your thoughts, prayers, advice and research information.
Friday, May 18, 2007
All groomed - but losing weight
Friday May 18th
Once Kerby got his stitches removed it was okay to get him groomed and boy did he need it. He was all haphazardly shaven on his leg from the i/v, his side from the morphine patch to his face obviously where they removed his back upper jaw (on his right side). While I am not crazy about how he looks all shaven, he needed it. And it made me realize just HOW MUCH weight he lost! WOW - he's never looked this skeleton. It actually worries me a bit. So this morning, I decided upon myself to put Kerby back on his regular food - at least incorporate it. This is his "hard kibbles" dry food - and I'll mix it with his soft food. He, of course, ate it all! He probably weighs about 15-16 lbs where he's normally 20lbs.
Anyway, I'm at a strange point in my life right now. I am grappling with the notion that I may not even be able to have human kids of my own (i get my own surgery on June 14 to remove fibroid tumors ....). This is sorta surreal. Are my dealings with Kerby going to be my only experience with "children"? Can I even have kids? Will there even be someone willing to want to be the father of my children? If I cannot bear little ones, then at least I know what it's like to love and nurture and care for and pray for and cry for and research for and live for another being. I thank you God for this experience .... You may be telling me something, and I may be learning something. May we all "listen" .....
Once Kerby got his stitches removed it was okay to get him groomed and boy did he need it. He was all haphazardly shaven on his leg from the i/v, his side from the morphine patch to his face obviously where they removed his back upper jaw (on his right side). While I am not crazy about how he looks all shaven, he needed it. And it made me realize just HOW MUCH weight he lost! WOW - he's never looked this skeleton. It actually worries me a bit. So this morning, I decided upon myself to put Kerby back on his regular food - at least incorporate it. This is his "hard kibbles" dry food - and I'll mix it with his soft food. He, of course, ate it all! He probably weighs about 15-16 lbs where he's normally 20lbs.
Anyway, I'm at a strange point in my life right now. I am grappling with the notion that I may not even be able to have human kids of my own (i get my own surgery on June 14 to remove fibroid tumors ....). This is sorta surreal. Are my dealings with Kerby going to be my only experience with "children"? Can I even have kids? Will there even be someone willing to want to be the father of my children? If I cannot bear little ones, then at least I know what it's like to love and nurture and care for and pray for and cry for and research for and live for another being. I thank you God for this experience .... You may be telling me something, and I may be learning something. May we all "listen" .....
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Chemo starts today
Wednesday, May 16 (2 weeks after surgery)
I took Kerby in to get his stitches removed which was a no-brainer 2 minute procedure. Then we got to see Dr. Hamilton again, the oncologist. His 1st comment to me was, "Boy aren't we glad he didn't have his eye removed?" I was thinking, uh yeah, thanks for scaring me half to death ....
Anyway, looks like we got all the cancer in the immediate area around the tumor in his mouth. There most likely is cancer somewhere ELSE in his body - b/c the time a tumor of his magnitude is found, the likelihood of cancer elsewhere is high. But we know now it's not in his chest. I need to get chest x-rays every 3 months to check this.
So we talked about the 3 types of chemo available for Kerby who is about 18 lbs now.
1. Cisplatin - $406 each treatment (he would need 3). What I don't like about this drug is that Kerby needs to be hooked up for 8 hrs to an i/v and given lots of fluids. This causes increased urination and more importantly kidney damage.
2. Carbolatin - $260 each treatment (he would need 3).
3. Adriamycin (doxorubicin) - $215 each treatment (he would need 3).
The last 2 have similar side effects: vomit, loss of appetite, lethargy, low white blood cells.
The doc suggested the "longest life span" combination of chemo is using both #1 & #3. It's also the most expensive & I really don't like the "kidney and urination" factor. The next choice would be to administer #2 & #3. I am tired of asking "how long will he live" b/c all I ever get are stats and honestly, stats are just that. I have a small dog with cancer in the MOUTH. Most OSA cancer dogs (and hence the stats) are for larger dogs with cancer in the limbs with amputations. Different story ... Not "KERBY'S STORY". I also asked why he wants to give TWO drugs vs. just one agent. He said that #2 and #3 effect the DNA "differently", both in a positive way. I dunno, sounds like 2 agents are better than 1.
I had the choice of "going home to think about it." My 1st thought was, yeah I'll do that and email my bone cancer friends .... but then I remembered how tired I am of making such huge decisions and analyzing way too much. So I left Kerby there this morning .... to get his 1st of 6 chemo treatments. He goes every 3 weeks. Alternating Carboplatin 1 time and then Adriamycin the next time. 6 total chemo shots. I drop him off in the morning, pick him up after work. Sounds easy. ugh.
Well, I got home tonight with Kerby. He looks good. Does seem a little lethargic though but it could be b/c he was in a cage all day at the vet - which he totally hates. Actually he looks really tired so I held him in my arms.
THIS is when it all hit me and I broke down crying. CHEMO? I am giving my dog CHEMO? I've always heard of chemo and thought, dang this is the end of someone's life. Man, I just held Kerby and cried! I cannot BELIEVE I am giving my baby CHEMO. 1 year? 6 months? 2 years? Dancer, Jasmine - how did they do? I am afraid, truly. Somehow I feel this is the beginning of the end. CHEMO! I know in my heart I am doing the right thing for Kerby. He remains a fighter. My fighter. Who knows ... maybe if I were married and had human children, this wouldn't be a huge deal. And to those who think I'm a freak for going thru this and having Kerby go thru this, and spending $5000 to date ... well too bad. I wish all of you the chance to love something, or someONE as much as I love my Kerbs. Till next time .....
I took Kerby in to get his stitches removed which was a no-brainer 2 minute procedure. Then we got to see Dr. Hamilton again, the oncologist. His 1st comment to me was, "Boy aren't we glad he didn't have his eye removed?" I was thinking, uh yeah, thanks for scaring me half to death ....
Anyway, looks like we got all the cancer in the immediate area around the tumor in his mouth. There most likely is cancer somewhere ELSE in his body - b/c the time a tumor of his magnitude is found, the likelihood of cancer elsewhere is high. But we know now it's not in his chest. I need to get chest x-rays every 3 months to check this.
So we talked about the 3 types of chemo available for Kerby who is about 18 lbs now.
1. Cisplatin - $406 each treatment (he would need 3). What I don't like about this drug is that Kerby needs to be hooked up for 8 hrs to an i/v and given lots of fluids. This causes increased urination and more importantly kidney damage.
2. Carbolatin - $260 each treatment (he would need 3).
3. Adriamycin (doxorubicin) - $215 each treatment (he would need 3).
The last 2 have similar side effects: vomit, loss of appetite, lethargy, low white blood cells.
The doc suggested the "longest life span" combination of chemo is using both #1 & #3. It's also the most expensive & I really don't like the "kidney and urination" factor. The next choice would be to administer #2 & #3. I am tired of asking "how long will he live" b/c all I ever get are stats and honestly, stats are just that. I have a small dog with cancer in the MOUTH. Most OSA cancer dogs (and hence the stats) are for larger dogs with cancer in the limbs with amputations. Different story ... Not "KERBY'S STORY". I also asked why he wants to give TWO drugs vs. just one agent. He said that #2 and #3 effect the DNA "differently", both in a positive way. I dunno, sounds like 2 agents are better than 1.
I had the choice of "going home to think about it." My 1st thought was, yeah I'll do that and email my bone cancer friends .... but then I remembered how tired I am of making such huge decisions and analyzing way too much. So I left Kerby there this morning .... to get his 1st of 6 chemo treatments. He goes every 3 weeks. Alternating Carboplatin 1 time and then Adriamycin the next time. 6 total chemo shots. I drop him off in the morning, pick him up after work. Sounds easy. ugh.
Well, I got home tonight with Kerby. He looks good. Does seem a little lethargic though but it could be b/c he was in a cage all day at the vet - which he totally hates. Actually he looks really tired so I held him in my arms.
THIS is when it all hit me and I broke down crying. CHEMO? I am giving my dog CHEMO? I've always heard of chemo and thought, dang this is the end of someone's life. Man, I just held Kerby and cried! I cannot BELIEVE I am giving my baby CHEMO. 1 year? 6 months? 2 years? Dancer, Jasmine - how did they do? I am afraid, truly. Somehow I feel this is the beginning of the end. CHEMO! I know in my heart I am doing the right thing for Kerby. He remains a fighter. My fighter. Who knows ... maybe if I were married and had human children, this wouldn't be a huge deal. And to those who think I'm a freak for going thru this and having Kerby go thru this, and spending $5000 to date ... well too bad. I wish all of you the chance to love something, or someONE as much as I love my Kerbs. Till next time .....
Monday, May 14, 2007
O Brother ....
Kerby loves his brother "Monkey". I remember a few years ago when Kerby was sick with an auto immune disease, we got Monkey to keep Kerby company. Now, and still, Monkey is still there for his big brother. When I first brought Kerby home last week, Monkey stayed by his side all the time. He smelled him, the drugs, the illness .... Ya see, Monkey sorta taunts Kerby. He runs away and "makes" Kerby chase him. Monkey knew when the time was right to start up again. The brothers, my 2 sons, are back at it again .... just like before Kerby's surgery. Chasing each other through the house, up the stairs, knocking the computer over. I love watching them. It warms my heart to see Kerby back to normal again.
As for poop .... I don't know why the vets had Kerby on Hills A/D soft food. He didn't poop for over a week. I took it upon myself to buy the soft version of the Eukanuba Kerby always ate. BAM ..... he pooped finally. I feel like SUCH a mom ... but again, just sorta documenting for future pet owners. But it's almost 2 weeks after his surgery, and he's still only pooped that 1 time a few days ago after he ate his normal food. But not since then. Hmmmm? Not sure what to think about that .... I'll ask the doctors when I go on the 16th.
Oh, and Kerby is OFF ALL meds & anti-biotics as of a few days ago.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
One week after surgery
Thursday, May 10th
Kerby is my little miracle baby. I mean the boy just had his back upper jaw removed one week ago and he's doing absolutely freakin' FANTASTIC!! There is nothing he is not doing now that he wasn't doing before the surgery ... with the slight exception that he's eating soft food, and he hasn't pooped in a week. He still wears his "martini glass" when I'm not home; he chases his brother cat "Monkey" all around the house, he gives me kisses, jumps up & down when I come home and is still beautiful. I go to work and am out of the house for 12 hours and he is just as fine as always!
Da Kerbs is still on his meds. Twice a day he takes 3 things still: Rimadyl, Clavamox and Trimadol. Not sure how long he needs to be on all those.
Next Wednesday, the 16th, I take Kerby to get the stitches that are on the outside of his jaw taken out. I meet his surgeon, Dr. Julie Duval, for the 1st time, and we also sit down with the oncologist, Dr. Terrance Hamilton to discuss next steps.
I'm a little confused though about the results of the biospsy from his surgery. Dr. Duval told me that she "took a lot around the tumor; more than what was submitted for test results. There was 1 margin that was very close to a dirty margin." Yes, I wrote it down, but was just too tired to think of asking what that means. Does that mean they got all the cancer out??? Do we do radiation to get the rest of cancer out?? Or do we just do chemo to prevent the cancer from spreading?? Not sure. One day at a time. Don't want to overload my brain too soon :-)
Next week is when I start hearing the different kinds of chemo used in dogs. If you are a dog owner and have had experience with doggie chemo, please chime in here to let me (and others) know about the pros/cons of the different types of chemo. Thank you.
I also want to take this time to sincerely THANK my new friends on the "bone cancer for dogs" website. You are a unique "breed" (no pun) who just have so much information to share and have really helped me in a time when I feel so alone to be making such impactful decisions about the love of my life. Thank you my friends! Thank you for being there for me & Kerby!
Kerby is my little miracle baby. I mean the boy just had his back upper jaw removed one week ago and he's doing absolutely freakin' FANTASTIC!! There is nothing he is not doing now that he wasn't doing before the surgery ... with the slight exception that he's eating soft food, and he hasn't pooped in a week. He still wears his "martini glass" when I'm not home; he chases his brother cat "Monkey" all around the house, he gives me kisses, jumps up & down when I come home and is still beautiful. I go to work and am out of the house for 12 hours and he is just as fine as always!
Da Kerbs is still on his meds. Twice a day he takes 3 things still: Rimadyl, Clavamox and Trimadol. Not sure how long he needs to be on all those.
Next Wednesday, the 16th, I take Kerby to get the stitches that are on the outside of his jaw taken out. I meet his surgeon, Dr. Julie Duval, for the 1st time, and we also sit down with the oncologist, Dr. Terrance Hamilton to discuss next steps.
I'm a little confused though about the results of the biospsy from his surgery. Dr. Duval told me that she "took a lot around the tumor; more than what was submitted for test results. There was 1 margin that was very close to a dirty margin." Yes, I wrote it down, but was just too tired to think of asking what that means. Does that mean they got all the cancer out??? Do we do radiation to get the rest of cancer out?? Or do we just do chemo to prevent the cancer from spreading?? Not sure. One day at a time. Don't want to overload my brain too soon :-)
Next week is when I start hearing the different kinds of chemo used in dogs. If you are a dog owner and have had experience with doggie chemo, please chime in here to let me (and others) know about the pros/cons of the different types of chemo. Thank you.
I also want to take this time to sincerely THANK my new friends on the "bone cancer for dogs" website. You are a unique "breed" (no pun) who just have so much information to share and have really helped me in a time when I feel so alone to be making such impactful decisions about the love of my life. Thank you my friends! Thank you for being there for me & Kerby!
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Kerby's Home!
Saturday, May 5
Kerby's come home to recover! YEAH! He did as expected immediately after surgery, according to the surgeon, other doctors and vet techs.
I was given the post-op instructions and as for the procedure, it is quoted as "Caudal maxillectomy, rostral orbitectomy". I tried to Google it, but was presented with too many bloody pictures - so I'm still not sure what that all means. Probably something about his upper back jaw and something with his eye.
I need to keep him rested, quiet, no toys in his mouth, no hard food, no stairs, no hardwood floors to prevent slipping & falling, no rough play (sorry Daddy :-). It is normal to see him "depressed", have nose bleeds, blood from mouth, vomit (although he has not vomited!)
From what I see, Kerby's doing pretty good - I suppose. We got home Saturday afternoon. He needs to wear that "cone" to prevent from scratching his eye and stitches. My brother calls it, "Kerby's Martini glass". lol. When I notice he's attempting to scratch his eye, or whine/whimper or breathe heavily, I think it means he's in pain. That's when I give him a dose of painkillers.
- Fentenyl patch on his body. Essentially morphine. Stuck on like a nicotine patch on the side of his belly. Surgery was May 2. I will remove it May 7th.
- Tramadol (50mg). For pain. I give 1/2 pill as needed for pain. So far, looks like he needs it every 6-9 hours.
- Rimadyl (25mg). For pain. I give 2x/day in his food.
- Clavamox. Antibiotics. 2x/day with food.
I thought, before the surgery, I could just wet down his dry kibbles but that will still be too tough for Kerby. I've been given the Hill's A/D mushy canned food. Kerby will eat anything! His appetite sure hasn't waned. He's also drinking water pretty well.
When I'm home with him, and I can literally watch his every move and be within arms length of him, I leave his "martini glass" off his head. His eye is looking great. It's not drooping and the huge red swelling is almost gone. The front part of his nose though, it looking a little more red/bloody. His nose bleeds every once in a while but it's very faint and light/pale red. This is normal.
Anyway, that's the update after his 1st day at home. I have no idea how things will pan out when I need to go back to work. It may remind me of those parents who drop their kids off at the 1st day of kindergarten .... not wanting to let go, afraid of what's going to happen, feeling like you're abandoning your baby ..... I'm sure it'll be fine .... both Kerby and me.
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Pictures after Day 1 (not for the faint at heart!)
Kerby is in the ICU at GA Vet Specialists. Visiting hours are 3-5 and 7-9.
Thursday, May 3rd
It was the day after his surgery: partial maxillectomy (removal of part of his back upper jaw). The vet tech brought Kerby out in her arms and handed him to me. WOW .... I was not expecting him to look like this. I really didn't even KNOW what to expect. It kinda scared me.
I felt like a bad mom for thinking how gross & pitiful he looked. Shaved the entire side of his head and neck. His eye was really puffy and red and swollen. He had stitches on upper jaw (which need to be removed in 10-14 days). They said he hasn't eaten yet. He's on 2-3 pain killers + Clavimox for anti-biotics. My friend came with me to visit Kerby and thank goodness she did (highly suggested for your 1st visit, especially if you're queasy like me). She made me laugh, we took that funny picture of Kerby - his Billy Idol "Rebel Yell" look - lol! The vet brought in some food for me to try to feed him. Some cottage cheese and puree liver. I fed him with the stick, and he lapped it up. Then my friend took the food and Kerby decided he wanted to eat it out of her hand!! We cracked up b/c it didn't seem to bother her at all that this puree liver was in her hand. OK, maybe I need to suck it up and get used to that. haha. Kerby ate for us! Yeah! However, he was so darn drugged up, his little tongue was sticking out, he felt like a bag of sand, heavy and lifeless.
I went to visit him again at night. His nose was bleeding - to me it seemed like a lot - the vet said it's normal. I don't like blood. He ate his food again with me. Still majorly drugged looking and lifeless. His eye also looked worse, more swollen under the eye and even more red.
But that's just Day 1. He'll get better. He's a fighter.
They saved Kerby's eye!!!
Wednesday, May 2nd
I was a nervous wreck,waiting for 2 hours for the call from the surgeon. Being fairly impatient and persistent, I called to check in and got the surgeon on the phone.
"We are just finishing up with the surgery and Kerby is doing fine. We were able to save his eye!!!!" YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!
I screamed for all my colleagues to hear and they all cheered & applauded with me. Dr. Duval said she spoke with her friend who performs this surgery almost every day at Colorado State U who said that Kerby's eye probably didn't need to come out! HUH???????? Does this mean if I didn't press and ask questions and let the surgeon KNOW what a research hound I was and how I was speaking with almost every surgeon & oncologist in the country, she maybe wouldn't have asked her friend? Water under the bridge by now, however a lesson for everyone: research, ask questions, then more questions. Don't take the 1st diagnosis & recommended procedure as is.
I wasn't permitted to see Kerby on the day of his surgery. They want him to remain sedated and calm. Understood! He was doing well and they kept his eye! I was a very happy momma.
Another lesson: have faith, pray and ask others around you to pray, trust in God that it's His plan, do not worry (it doesn't change things), and honestly believe that God will not allow you to have too much you can't handle on your plate.
I got a text message from my Dad right after I proudly announced that Kerby's eye was saved and he was doing fine. It read, "That's the best news we heard since we got the o.k. to adopt you (37 years ago). Give him a hug from me & Mom." WOW! Imagine the magnitude of that statement? Comparing the feeling of adopting your infant baby girl to hearing your daughter's dog's eye was saved!!!!! Thank you Dad - I'll never forget that comment!
I was a nervous wreck,waiting for 2 hours for the call from the surgeon. Being fairly impatient and persistent, I called to check in and got the surgeon on the phone.
"We are just finishing up with the surgery and Kerby is doing fine. We were able to save his eye!!!!" YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!
I screamed for all my colleagues to hear and they all cheered & applauded with me. Dr. Duval said she spoke with her friend who performs this surgery almost every day at Colorado State U who said that Kerby's eye probably didn't need to come out! HUH???????? Does this mean if I didn't press and ask questions and let the surgeon KNOW what a research hound I was and how I was speaking with almost every surgeon & oncologist in the country, she maybe wouldn't have asked her friend? Water under the bridge by now, however a lesson for everyone: research, ask questions, then more questions. Don't take the 1st diagnosis & recommended procedure as is.
I wasn't permitted to see Kerby on the day of his surgery. They want him to remain sedated and calm. Understood! He was doing well and they kept his eye! I was a very happy momma.
Another lesson: have faith, pray and ask others around you to pray, trust in God that it's His plan, do not worry (it doesn't change things), and honestly believe that God will not allow you to have too much you can't handle on your plate.
I got a text message from my Dad right after I proudly announced that Kerby's eye was saved and he was doing fine. It read, "That's the best news we heard since we got the o.k. to adopt you (37 years ago). Give him a hug from me & Mom." WOW! Imagine the magnitude of that statement? Comparing the feeling of adopting your infant baby girl to hearing your daughter's dog's eye was saved!!!!! Thank you Dad - I'll never forget that comment!
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Daddy's boy - the night before the surgery
Thank you Daddy for coming to visit me on the night before my surgery. Mom told me she spoke with the surgeon again today and guess what? We really are gonna be okay. It may be rough & tough at times, but you know I'm a fighter. Without the surgery, I'll bleed a lot and won't be too happy and won't live very long. At least with the surgery, this ever-so-growing-everyday-massive "thing" in my mouth will come out and they'll know how to take care of me afterwards.
Mom said she was told today that the "18-24 months" time frame was for Oral Osteosarcoma in general. But she found out today, even more so, that it's a lot worse when the cancer is in my upper jaw AND when it's way back in my mouth. Could be 2 months, could be 5 years I stick around here. She said it's harder to get clear margins that way. I know Daddy, what's clear margins? I didn't know either but mommy 'splained it to me. Ya want the doc folks to cut out as much as they can AROUND my tumor to make sure they get ALL the cancer around the bad spots. We're not sure that can happen since my tumor is way back in my mouth on the inside of my tooth close to my brain. But hey, the surgeon says the tumor probably WON'T grow towards the brain b/c tumors usually take the least path of resistance and it's gonna be tough to get thru this skull 'o mine to my brain. So that's a good thing.
Mommy said the surgeon also said that we may need to do both radiation AND chemo. WOW. She wasn't expecting to hear that one today. Radiation to clean & clear up the local area where they may not get all the cancer. And chemo to keep the cancer from spreadin' elsewhere. We'll see what happens tomorrow.
Anyway, Daddy, just wanted to say thanks again for seeing me tonight. Felt like 'ole times. I held the ball in my mouth and tried to get you to grab it; I jumped all over you like I was playin' on a jungle gym once again; you made me dance to those funny American Idols singing Bon Jovi songs (yeah, Daddy, I also like Phil, and Lakisha. Even though mommy doesn't like Blake, he did good tonight). Thanks Daddy for helping me when there was blood, once again, all over my toy. Thank you for taking that away from Mommy having to deal with 2 nights in a row. She's tired and scared and doesn't like blood at all. Oh, and thank you MOST of all Daddy for giving me extra food for dinner (mommy never does that :-).
So, I'm gonna go cuddle up with Mommy again tonight and have sweet dreams and think of good things to come in the next few days. I know that you, mommy, my friends, my family, and of course God are looking after me. I love you all and thanks for praying for me. Let's Roll. We're off to Georgia Vet Specialists in the morning!
Monday, April 30, 2007
The tumor is too close to his brain ...
Have you ever gotten bad news and someone says, "oh, at least he's alive or didn't lose a limb" or "hey, it didn't spread to his chest so that's good" or "ok, he'll just learn to chew on the other side" or "ok, his eye will be lost but he'll adjust better than humans" or "we'll just start chemo and he'll have 18-24 months to live".
With each passing bit of information - and as you can tell, it got much worse each time - I cried, then took a deep breath, and dug into my research. The phone calls, the emails, the support, the prayers. Yes, please pray for Kerby. His strength. My strength. For God's Will ....
But have you ever heard that "it's too close to his brain" or "we can't get clear margins" or "there could be severe hemorrhaging during surgery". WOW, this is a lot to handle folks!
I hadn't known that last week when I made this decision to go ahead with the surgery (partial maxillectomy + eye removal). I based my decision on what the oncologist told me. He saw the CT scan. He read the reports. He was closest to the information ... or so I thought.
I'll never forget my regular vet told me that it doesn't sound right for the 18-24 months life span. She said I need to know what the possibility is to get clear margins during the surgery? Huh, what does that mean? I wrote that down too. I have sticky notes everywhere!
So that's when I left message for the surgeon this morning and got her call at 4pm. She reviewed the CT scan closely. The tumor that is on the other side of the back molar, near his eye & nose is so close to the brain. The plan with tumors is always to remove 1cm around to get a clear margin (at least in this case). She doesn't think this will happen b/c tumor is so close to brain. The 18-24 months is based on clear margins. So what does this mean Dr. Duval? She also informed me that a major complication during this surgery is hemorrhaging. WHAT? And I wasn't told this last week? Is the left hand talkin' to the right hand here or what the ...?
So, Dr. Duval (surgeon) will be speaking with Dr. Hamilton (oncologist) tomorrow to see if THIS FREAKIN NEWS changes Kerby's life span. If so, I may be changing my mind about the May 2nd surgery. I don't know if oncologists don't normally get into such "minutia" about where the tumor is located before spewing out life spans? I don't know if he reviewed the CT scan with the surgeon? I don't know why this information was not shared with me earlier. Then again, I have a day to decide don't I? I have time. Kerby ... well, I don't know. I think a lot will be said when I get the phone call Tuesday from GVS.
In the meantime, I got home tonight, gave Kerby a treat. He then, as always, swooped up his toy. As I gave him hugs, I noticed his white toy had blood all over it. HOLY MOLY ... I got dressed fast, put my shoes on, ready for anything. I put my finger in his mouth ... WOW, those tumors are massive! But I did see a little blood. Ok, calm Kerri. Wait a few minutes. Could be b/c the crunchy treat scratched his tumors. That must've been it. The blood stopped. Looks like I'm starting him on "soft treats" from now on, and wetting down his dry food.
What a day ... and in a way, this is all just the beginning. I don't know how much more I can handle.
With each passing bit of information - and as you can tell, it got much worse each time - I cried, then took a deep breath, and dug into my research. The phone calls, the emails, the support, the prayers. Yes, please pray for Kerby. His strength. My strength. For God's Will ....
But have you ever heard that "it's too close to his brain" or "we can't get clear margins" or "there could be severe hemorrhaging during surgery". WOW, this is a lot to handle folks!
I hadn't known that last week when I made this decision to go ahead with the surgery (partial maxillectomy + eye removal). I based my decision on what the oncologist told me. He saw the CT scan. He read the reports. He was closest to the information ... or so I thought.
I'll never forget my regular vet told me that it doesn't sound right for the 18-24 months life span. She said I need to know what the possibility is to get clear margins during the surgery? Huh, what does that mean? I wrote that down too. I have sticky notes everywhere!
So that's when I left message for the surgeon this morning and got her call at 4pm. She reviewed the CT scan closely. The tumor that is on the other side of the back molar, near his eye & nose is so close to the brain. The plan with tumors is always to remove 1cm around to get a clear margin (at least in this case). She doesn't think this will happen b/c tumor is so close to brain. The 18-24 months is based on clear margins. So what does this mean Dr. Duval? She also informed me that a major complication during this surgery is hemorrhaging. WHAT? And I wasn't told this last week? Is the left hand talkin' to the right hand here or what the ...?
So, Dr. Duval (surgeon) will be speaking with Dr. Hamilton (oncologist) tomorrow to see if THIS FREAKIN NEWS changes Kerby's life span. If so, I may be changing my mind about the May 2nd surgery. I don't know if oncologists don't normally get into such "minutia" about where the tumor is located before spewing out life spans? I don't know if he reviewed the CT scan with the surgeon? I don't know why this information was not shared with me earlier. Then again, I have a day to decide don't I? I have time. Kerby ... well, I don't know. I think a lot will be said when I get the phone call Tuesday from GVS.
In the meantime, I got home tonight, gave Kerby a treat. He then, as always, swooped up his toy. As I gave him hugs, I noticed his white toy had blood all over it. HOLY MOLY ... I got dressed fast, put my shoes on, ready for anything. I put my finger in his mouth ... WOW, those tumors are massive! But I did see a little blood. Ok, calm Kerri. Wait a few minutes. Could be b/c the crunchy treat scratched his tumors. That must've been it. The blood stopped. Looks like I'm starting him on "soft treats" from now on, and wetting down his dry food.
What a day ... and in a way, this is all just the beginning. I don't know how much more I can handle.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Getting diagnosed with Osteosarcoma (OSA)
As a single woman, Kerby has been the love of my life for the past 10.5 years, since I adopted him from the Atlanta Humane Society. He's "da Kerbs", "the Man", "MY Man", "my son". His eyes are so expressive, they stare back at you, they speak of his love. His eyes are what drew me to him. His eyes are windows to his beautiful soul.
Kerby has been an incredibly healthy dog ever since I got him. "Strong as an ox" his vet said after his extensive 7 year check up. He literally looks and acts and plays like a 2 year old dog. Who would have thought this .... and so quickly .....
In March, we noticed his breath had a bad odor. I chalked it up to old age, bought the fresheners to add to his water but it wasn't helping.
Friday April 13, 2007
Gave him a dog bone to perhaps help with any tarter that may be in there. Noticed some blood on the carpet. Hmm that's weird.
Saturday April 14
Noticed dark bloody saliva dripping and the stench of what seemed like a dead squirrel coming from his mouth. Took a wipey on my finger, put in his mouth and out came globs of blood. Looked into his mouth and there it was .... a huge growth in the upper back part of his cheek. What the heck???? Scared & crying, I rushed him to the ER vet who looked alarmed, said this needs to come out asap but since we don't have a laser, go to your vet tomorrow and get him checked.
Sunday, April 15
Called the vet asap and got her 1st appt at 12pm. The vet said it doesn't look good. Looks malignant because there's white spots on the growth. Did the chest x-rays and looks like it's not in the lungs - ok that's good so far. But come back tomorrow for the surgery to remove the growth.
Monday, April 16
Woke up, took pictures of him, dropped him off at the vet who operated that morning. "Debulked" the tumor. Got the call at 1pm. She said he did well in surgery but it's worse than what they thought. Found 3 tumors: 2 were 2x4cm and the other was behind his back molar. It's aggressive. Let's do the biopsy to find out essentially what kind of tumor it is (aka, how bad the malignancy is). I hadn't even heard the "C" word yet (cancer). But I researched, and researched, and researched all night for the next 2 days. Cried each time I read. I read it all for what I thought was oral melanoma (self-diagnosing is not a good idea folks) but at least it gave me some basis. None of the scenarios looked good - less than 1 year survival at time of diagnosis for the size of tumor it is/was.
He's my baby ... he's so healthy .... how could I have not known ....
Kerby was still acting totally fine but a little drugged the 1st 2 days after surgery - Rimadyl for pain, Clavimox for anti-biotics and Trimadol for something else, I forgot. But he was still chasing his cat brother around the house, jumping, playing, and yes even eating fine. I think he'll always eat fine :-) I tried to think positively that week. He still looks well, acting normal, giving kisses (most important :-)
Sunday, April 22 at 11am
In an already crazed morning, his vet called me. Biopsy results came in Kerri. Kerby has Osteosarcoma Maxilla. I didn't even know how to spell it - I even asked her how. I wrote down what she said: it's located in the worst spot, way in the upper back of his jaw. It was not noticeable, hence why it took so long to discover. She must've researched before calling me because she told me the average life span is about 6 months. I wrote that down too. Cancer. 6 months. Very rare spot for bone cancer. 6 months? Average? So he could have more than a year ..... She made an appt for me to take Kerby to one of the only oncologists in metro Atlanta at the GA Vet Specialist http://www.gvsvet.com/
I cried all day, I called everyone I knew, and everyone who loved Kerby for the past 10 years. I wanted them to know he's really sick. Ya see, to know me is know Kerby. He is loving, sweet, playful, grouchy at times, loves people MUCH more than other furkids, always has a toy or tennis ball in his mouth, does this crazy funny bark with the ball in his mouth, crawls into corners and growls at the walls (I got him at 2 yrs old - sounds like an early child developmental problem he never worked on :-), he hugs me with bear hugs and naps on my shoulder JUST like a baby, he spoons with me on the couch, sleeps at the foot of the bed .... he's just "The Kerbs". My beautiful son. My heart ached. I was numb. I was in a fog. But I picked myself up the next day and researched once again.
That's when I found there actually IS a website/chat room for owners of bone cancer dogs http://pets.groups.yahoo.com/group/bonecancerdogs/ Who would have "thunk" it. Boy has it helped me with research, stories upon stories, information, prayers.
Tuesday, April 24
I took Kerby to see Dr. Hamilton, the oncologist at GVS. 3 more xrays showed the cancer did NOT spread to Kerby's chest. YEAH! GREAT NEWS! However, let's run a CT scan to see exactly where to operate ...... WOW, the call came in at 3pm. Kerri, the cancer has invaded Kerby's orbit. Huh? That's the eye cavity. Oh. Kerri, the eye cavity will not be able to hold his eye. What does that mean, doc? Kerri, we will probably have to remove his eye. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Not Kerby's eye!?!?! What? They truly are the windows of his soul. Just as mine are to me. Kerby, they're going to take your EYE out! The onc gave me 2 options: 1. just radiation which he'll lose his eye eventually b/c eyes don't take well to radiation=6 months to live. Or 2. Partial maxillectomy (removal of upper jaw) + his eye, then chemo=18-24 months to live. Wow.
Have you ever had to make a decision for your child that depended on their LIFE? I am 37 years old. Unmarried. Kerby is my child.
I needed help. I needed advice. I needed to HEAR stories, not just read stats. Through emails, I met other pet owners of bone cancer dogs. Chris (Kassa), Penny (Pooba), Erin (Jasmine), Tami (Dancer). I spoke with Christina in San Diego. I got 3 more opinions. I called Colorado State University who provides free advice (970-221-4535). I heard from the oncologist at UGA who read of only FOUR articles with Kerby's exact surgery-to-be (partial max + eye removal). I spoke with Kara who's a vet at UPenn. I then spoke with THE MOST IMPORTANT factor in my decision .... My Kerby.
I was told to let Kerby know what's going on and to have a heart-to-heart chat with him. Ok, I held him in my arms while he sorta slept - but you get the picture. I literally spoke aloud .... Kerby, you have always been a fighter. You've always been healthy. You've always been happy and active. You are strong. Kerby, I think we can do this, together. Whatcha think baby boy? Huh, love of my life? Hey, Kerbs, we'll be okay. Did I tell you I listened to all those pet owners on the website, the other oncologists, my friends ... and they all said to go ahead .... you will be more resilient than a human ... you will learn to chew on the other side of your mouth. You will bump into walls at 1st, but will learn to live, play and run with just one eye. OK MOM, I will be strong.
Kerby has been an incredibly healthy dog ever since I got him. "Strong as an ox" his vet said after his extensive 7 year check up. He literally looks and acts and plays like a 2 year old dog. Who would have thought this .... and so quickly .....
In March, we noticed his breath had a bad odor. I chalked it up to old age, bought the fresheners to add to his water but it wasn't helping.
Friday April 13, 2007
Gave him a dog bone to perhaps help with any tarter that may be in there. Noticed some blood on the carpet. Hmm that's weird.
Saturday April 14
Noticed dark bloody saliva dripping and the stench of what seemed like a dead squirrel coming from his mouth. Took a wipey on my finger, put in his mouth and out came globs of blood. Looked into his mouth and there it was .... a huge growth in the upper back part of his cheek. What the heck???? Scared & crying, I rushed him to the ER vet who looked alarmed, said this needs to come out asap but since we don't have a laser, go to your vet tomorrow and get him checked.
Sunday, April 15
Called the vet asap and got her 1st appt at 12pm. The vet said it doesn't look good. Looks malignant because there's white spots on the growth. Did the chest x-rays and looks like it's not in the lungs - ok that's good so far. But come back tomorrow for the surgery to remove the growth.
Monday, April 16
Woke up, took pictures of him, dropped him off at the vet who operated that morning. "Debulked" the tumor. Got the call at 1pm. She said he did well in surgery but it's worse than what they thought. Found 3 tumors: 2 were 2x4cm and the other was behind his back molar. It's aggressive. Let's do the biopsy to find out essentially what kind of tumor it is (aka, how bad the malignancy is). I hadn't even heard the "C" word yet (cancer). But I researched, and researched, and researched all night for the next 2 days. Cried each time I read. I read it all for what I thought was oral melanoma (self-diagnosing is not a good idea folks) but at least it gave me some basis. None of the scenarios looked good - less than 1 year survival at time of diagnosis for the size of tumor it is/was.
He's my baby ... he's so healthy .... how could I have not known ....
Kerby was still acting totally fine but a little drugged the 1st 2 days after surgery - Rimadyl for pain, Clavimox for anti-biotics and Trimadol for something else, I forgot. But he was still chasing his cat brother around the house, jumping, playing, and yes even eating fine. I think he'll always eat fine :-) I tried to think positively that week. He still looks well, acting normal, giving kisses (most important :-)
Sunday, April 22 at 11am
In an already crazed morning, his vet called me. Biopsy results came in Kerri. Kerby has Osteosarcoma Maxilla. I didn't even know how to spell it - I even asked her how. I wrote down what she said: it's located in the worst spot, way in the upper back of his jaw. It was not noticeable, hence why it took so long to discover. She must've researched before calling me because she told me the average life span is about 6 months. I wrote that down too. Cancer. 6 months. Very rare spot for bone cancer. 6 months? Average? So he could have more than a year ..... She made an appt for me to take Kerby to one of the only oncologists in metro Atlanta at the GA Vet Specialist http://www.gvsvet.com/
I cried all day, I called everyone I knew, and everyone who loved Kerby for the past 10 years. I wanted them to know he's really sick. Ya see, to know me is know Kerby. He is loving, sweet, playful, grouchy at times, loves people MUCH more than other furkids, always has a toy or tennis ball in his mouth, does this crazy funny bark with the ball in his mouth, crawls into corners and growls at the walls (I got him at 2 yrs old - sounds like an early child developmental problem he never worked on :-), he hugs me with bear hugs and naps on my shoulder JUST like a baby, he spoons with me on the couch, sleeps at the foot of the bed .... he's just "The Kerbs". My beautiful son. My heart ached. I was numb. I was in a fog. But I picked myself up the next day and researched once again.
That's when I found there actually IS a website/chat room for owners of bone cancer dogs http://pets.groups.yahoo.com/group/bonecancerdogs/ Who would have "thunk" it. Boy has it helped me with research, stories upon stories, information, prayers.
Tuesday, April 24
I took Kerby to see Dr. Hamilton, the oncologist at GVS. 3 more xrays showed the cancer did NOT spread to Kerby's chest. YEAH! GREAT NEWS! However, let's run a CT scan to see exactly where to operate ...... WOW, the call came in at 3pm. Kerri, the cancer has invaded Kerby's orbit. Huh? That's the eye cavity. Oh. Kerri, the eye cavity will not be able to hold his eye. What does that mean, doc? Kerri, we will probably have to remove his eye. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Not Kerby's eye!?!?! What? They truly are the windows of his soul. Just as mine are to me. Kerby, they're going to take your EYE out! The onc gave me 2 options: 1. just radiation which he'll lose his eye eventually b/c eyes don't take well to radiation=6 months to live. Or 2. Partial maxillectomy (removal of upper jaw) + his eye, then chemo=18-24 months to live. Wow.
Have you ever had to make a decision for your child that depended on their LIFE? I am 37 years old. Unmarried. Kerby is my child.
I needed help. I needed advice. I needed to HEAR stories, not just read stats. Through emails, I met other pet owners of bone cancer dogs. Chris (Kassa), Penny (Pooba), Erin (Jasmine), Tami (Dancer). I spoke with Christina in San Diego. I got 3 more opinions. I called Colorado State University who provides free advice (970-221-4535). I heard from the oncologist at UGA who read of only FOUR articles with Kerby's exact surgery-to-be (partial max + eye removal). I spoke with Kara who's a vet at UPenn. I then spoke with THE MOST IMPORTANT factor in my decision .... My Kerby.
I was told to let Kerby know what's going on and to have a heart-to-heart chat with him. Ok, I held him in my arms while he sorta slept - but you get the picture. I literally spoke aloud .... Kerby, you have always been a fighter. You've always been healthy. You've always been happy and active. You are strong. Kerby, I think we can do this, together. Whatcha think baby boy? Huh, love of my life? Hey, Kerbs, we'll be okay. Did I tell you I listened to all those pet owners on the website, the other oncologists, my friends ... and they all said to go ahead .... you will be more resilient than a human ... you will learn to chew on the other side of your mouth. You will bump into walls at 1st, but will learn to live, play and run with just one eye. OK MOM, I will be strong.
After my chat with Kerby, I called GVS Wednesday night, the 25th, and made the appt for his surgery. May 2nd.
Sat/Sun April 28-29
Sat/Sun April 28-29
The next few days I just stayed with him as much as I can, looking into his eyes - both of them. I bathed him, brushed him. Took him to the park both weekend days, he ran around, loved it. I loved it.
My heart is aching again now that the weekend is coming to a close. Kerby is acting ok. He's wanting to be alone a little more though. I heard that from some other pet owner. Man, he does not even know he's having surgery! He does not appear to be in any pain. Oh, he's still taking Rimadyl 2x a day (25mg each). Maybe that's helping if he is/was in pain? Anyway, we're going to sleep now. Sweet dreams my Kerb, many prayers that God will take care of you!
My heart is aching again now that the weekend is coming to a close. Kerby is acting ok. He's wanting to be alone a little more though. I heard that from some other pet owner. Man, he does not even know he's having surgery! He does not appear to be in any pain. Oh, he's still taking Rimadyl 2x a day (25mg each). Maybe that's helping if he is/was in pain? Anyway, we're going to sleep now. Sweet dreams my Kerb, many prayers that God will take care of you!
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