i didn't think this would be this hard at this very moment, as i write. my tears can't stop. i will miss kerby so much. he is my son ... the only one i will ever know. i have (well kerby has) decided that he is ready to go home to God. i will take him to Roswell Animal Hospital tomorrow/Sunday at 12:30 to see his favorite vet, Dr. Ray. scott will be with me all day & night to comfort me.
how do i know it's time? everyone is right! kerby is letting me know, gently, that he's put up a valiant fight. i took my little man to the vet this morning for some "reassurance".
sure enough, kerby is bleeding extensively internally - he's had bloody diarrhea for a few days!! he probably has ulcers from the heavy doses of Prednisone steroids - which is a side effect. but i don't blame myself at all for those high doses and causing the ulcers. we tried to reduce the tumor!
kerby also isn't eating well. he is probably nauseous from his ulcers and doesn't have an appetite.
da kerbs also is walking very very slowly. he doesn't even want to walk outside. after a few steps, he stops or just takes 1 little step at a time. his back legs are weak and he's also taking a lot longer to get up the stairs.
and his eye. his eyes have always been windows to his beautiful soul. they are so expressive, loving and big. but now his tumor is growing so large that it's pushing his eye up/backwards and it's gel-like, red, gooey. vet confirmed that kerby must be in some pain and highly discomforted.
so, ya add all these things up and my decision isn't that tough.
The vet today gave kerby a lot of medicine to keep him feeling as good as possible today, and even in case i change my mind about tomorrow. Kerby got injections of antibiotics (metronidazole and baytril), 3 different meds for his ulcer (carafate, anzemet, famotidine) and pain (buprenex - which is like morphine).
i'd like thank some people who have been instrumental these past 6 months, since kerby's 1st diagnosis of osteosarcoma:
PAUL: 1st and foremost! you have loved kerby as much as, if not more than, i have for the 8 years you've known him. you have been the best dad any son can ever ask for. i know kerby will miss all your playing, all the times he's spent at your house with all your friends who also love him. kerby and you had the most special of bonds. thank you paul for loving our son and being there for him every step of the way! kerby loves his daddy!!!!!
Dr. Jill Ray: thank you for being a doctor that actually cares and someone who has incredible bed side manners. you always had time to see me & kerby, or look at pictures, or explain things to me on the phone. thanks for your sensitivity!
Dan: thank you for your intelligence, insight and helping Paul and me find unique ways to keep kerby alive for another 2 months!
Bone Cancer for Dogs website (http://pets.groups.yahoo.com/group/bonecancerdogs/): thank you for keeping me informed, educated, your prayers and for understanding just how difficult it is to experience the loss of your best fur friend.
Kathleen & Chris: thank you for your prayers, your 1st hand experience, your knowledge and for staying in touch with me and caring so much about a dog (and owner) that you have never even met!
My friends: Angie, Mellissa, Liz, Janice who know what it's like to love a dog as their own child!
Scott: i love you so much! thank you for holding me as i cried. thank you for wanting to be with me through my pain. thank you for being that one door that is opening while the door that held my life with kerby is closing. i look forward to you being the next "love of my life".
Run free Kerbs. Go play with Snowy. Go growl in the corner with a plush football in your mouth. Don't let anyone put those doggie booties on your paws! Find grandma Angie and let her hold you like a baby with your arms around her neck ... like you did with me all the time. Take afternoon naps in God's arms and fall asleep as you hear how much He loves you .... like you did with me all the time.
Kerbster, you have given me the most joy for the past 11 years. Thank you baby for teaching me what unconditional love is all about. Thank you for being the light in my darkest moments. Thank you for being my one and only son, Kerby!
Mommy will ALWAYS love you!
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I love you Kerby! I am so sad for your mommy b/c I know she loves you so much and will miss you so much until she sees you again. She is being very brave and taking care of you in just the right way when you need it most. I will always remember having you snuggle on my lap in Bible Study with your favorite football in your mouth. You are a special boy and you will be missed by many. You gave your mommy so much joy in your life and I know she has done the same for you! Love you Kerby and Kerri!
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