Oh Baby ....

.... baby food that is. Such is the life of a caring, loving pet owner who is doing everything she can stand to do to help her dog live a pain and cancer free life. What a freakin roller coaster ride this is. Every single darn day. Up: he ate a few kibbles. Down: he vomited water & blood. Yeah this is my life, the life chosen for me at this point. The life I have to accept. I love Kerby with all my heart and I just hope that all I am doing for him will buy him some more quality time.

And that's the question: Quality time. What is that? Everyone asks me these days: have you thought about sparing him, easing him, letting him go, ending his suffering. I honestly believe that if I truly thought Kerby was "suffering" and there are no further options, then the answer is a yes, for sure. I think I know when that time will come. I saw it a few weeks ago when his tumor grew back and he was bleeding. Option at that time? Remove the tumor and do the last known chemo. Now, at this point, if the tumor grows back, and cries in pain again, that will be my decision.

As for now, today specifically, he vomited water & blood this morning. Didn't eat his food or his peanut butter w/ his pain meds snuck in there. I called the vet, they said to try baby food. Between that call and me getting back home, a few cocktails of my own were in order. This shit ain't easy folks. So, looks like Kerby enjoyed his Beech Nut Chicken & Rice baby food, Stage 2 for less than 6 month olds. UGH!!!!!!!!!!! Who would have thunk it? I never imagined.

I only hope and pray that this is all just temporary. It's the chemo effecting him. His belly hurts and the fluids from the chemo are seeping out all the time. This will pass. I will come home from China in a few weeks and Kerby will be half way done with his new rounds of chemo. He'll be fine. And so will his mommy.

Chemo ... once again

Wednesday, July 25th

Those of you who know Kerby, know that this picture looks nothing like him at all. This is the effect of cancer and chemo! While his eyes are still expressive, they are so in a very sad looking way! It breaks my heart!

I am numb. I am going through the motions of doing the best I can for my Kerby. I get the information, the facts, the confirmed diagnosis of Osteosarcoma. I speak with the oncologist and it appears the only option is to try the "3rd & last type of chemo" that we didn't use already. The other 2 chemos didn't work, since the tumor grew back very fast!

Kerby had his 3rd surgery in 3 months on July 11th (2 weeks ago). The surgeon was only able to remove 95% of the tumor in his mouth. Yes .... there's still 5% of a cancerous tumor in my baby's mouth. What to do? I don't think there are many options at this point. Oral tumors grow back VERY FREAKIN' FAST. So, we started chemo again today. Cisplatin is the name of it. I didn't choose it before b/c it's not healthy for the kidneys, it can cause vomiting and who else knows what? I asked the oncologist today: Why are we bothering with chemo if there's still a cancerous tumor? Answer: Chemo will slow the growth of the cancer and tumor.

So, all I have now is time. And hope. And faith. And prayers. And God.

Oh, I still have my Kerby! The love of my life!

Never gonna stop ....

Tuesday, July 10th
What a day ... I think I cried enough tears today to fix Georgia's draught! On the way to bringing Kerby to GVS this morning, I heard Daughtry's song, "I'm Going Home" and with Kerby on my lap, I was convinced that was God asking me to "lend" Kerby to Him. I cried. Then leaving Kerby and driving to my office, I spoke with the 2 men in my life and hyperventilated to both of them. I cried - boy did I cry a river. Got in my office and told folks the deal. Again, I cried. Went to lunch and they all chatted about their loving dogs. I cried ... a lot. I got hugs from my coworkers and pats on my back. I cried.

I was making the decision to not go ahead with any more surgeries. I can't "put Kerby" thru anything else. But then Kerby's dad told me that I need to fight one last fight. How can I not? Last night, Kerby wagged his tail and gave me kisses for God's sake!!! Ok, he peed on himself but ahhh, that's nothin'. I got KISSES from Kerbs. He is being strong and then so do I need to be.

My heart actually feels relieved and sort of "happy" (errr, happIER is probably the better term) that I made the decision to go ahead with the surgery.

Wednesday, 1st thing in the morning, I bring Kerby back to GVS so Dr. Duval, the surgeon, can remove Kerby's tumor ONCE AGAIN. Last time, she said the tumor was so close to the brain that she is not sure she can get "close enough margins AROUND the tumor" to get rid of all the cancer. This remains the case ... and probably was the case the 1st time. Hey, either hit the brain or not get all the cancer out? Hmmm ... glad I'm not a surgeon ....

Anyway, as I'm typing, Barry White's song comes on ... an anthem of mine of sorts. It's my song for Kerby:

"you've given me much more than words can ever say, i'll be right here to your dying day, i just know that i love you so and it gives me such a thrill. i'm never ever gonna give you up, never gonna stop, i'm never ever gonna quit cause quittin just ain't my stick, i'm never gonna stop all the things i feel about ya...."

Mommy loves you Kerby. Don't quit ... nor will I ....

Tumor is back

Sunday July 8
I don't get it. Will it help if I say I am really upset with the oncologist? It should make me feel better right? MAN! A month ago, before Kerby went in for his 2nd chemo treatment, I told the oncologist that Kerby's breath smelled and I think something is wrong, growing in there again. He "looked & felt" around and concluding nothing was in there. Well, again, on Kerby's 3rd chemo treatment on June 26th, I reported the same issues. Once again, I got the "nope, nothing's there however if you are concerned, we can do radiographs of his jaw."

That was not even a full 2 weeks ago. Now, there's blood coming from Kerby's mouth and so I take a freakin' flashlight and shine in to see this MASSIVE tumor. What the .....? I really don't understand how, if the doctor didn't see ANYTHING (which I am highly doubtful), how this tumor could've grown to 3cm in the week & a half since his last visit! Do the doctors think they are dealing with idiots here? Do they just want me to spend the $ on xrays? I don't get it.

Anyway, I took Kerby to the ER of Georgia Vet Specialists lastnight and sure enough, there's the tumor. No shit sherlock! Where'd you get your degree? UGH! They wanted to send me home and that's it? The surgeon who operated on Kerby is in surgery all day Monday and the oncologist isn't in until Tuesday so the 1st chance Kerby can be seen by the "professionals dealing with this magnitude" is Tuesday. What we did for the time being, was order 3 chest xrays. A good start to see if the cancer spread. From what the DVM sees, nothing to be alarmed about but of course I need to wait until Tuesday for the oncologist and the radiologist to read the results and make a formal determination.

I will bring Kerby in on Tuesday also to see if oncologist wants to "do anything" like a biopsy or who knows what else.

I'm just at my wits end sorta. I do everything I can for my dog to help him out and make him live a pain-free life with this cancer. I just hope & pray the trained doctors are doing the same. I really hope, in a way, the oncologist really didn't see anything in Kerby's mouth and was telling me the truth.

In the meantime, Kerby is still eating his food & drinking ok. No vomiting or diarrhea. However there is blood in his mouth and we all know that I can not stand the sight of blood. It scares me beyond belief!

I will be patient, pray and put it all in God's hands. 'Til Tuesday ....