Kerby is alive and kicking!!!!!!!!!!! I apologize for not updating sooner but being in China for 10 days, plus issues with my computer at home, I haven't had the time to write as much as I wished. I want to give you all the update on Kerby, since I last wrote on August 7th. What I need to do, however, is 1st copy/paste the posting that Paul wrote on my blog while I was in China. Then I will let ya know the details of how Kerby is. Here goes:
Paul wrote this on August 18th:
Hello I'm Paul - "The Kerbs Dad". Since Kerri has been in china for the last two weeks I have had him. She got him checked out at the surgical specialist center on Abernathy Rd. before she left. Stated that nothing could be done for Kerby. As Kerri, it's tough to swallow. The cyst in his mouth got to be the size of a plum on the side of his head and who knows how big in his mouth due to he couldn't open it. In just 3 quick days since I had kerb he was done. It happened so quick and before you know it, he was foaming at the mouth and I tried to feed him and all he did is lay in his food which was terrible for 2 reasons. First is shock and 2nd is it was alpo gravy that I drained thinking he could lick it up. Friday (august 10th) I made "the choice" (to put Kerby down) but 1 mile down the road I couldn't continue driving due to a crying fit and i couldn't see the road. Well thank GOD that traffic is bad on fri. in Atlanta. I turned the car around and brought kerby home and the pressure was on. Anyone who knows me well knows that is when I work best. I called a paramedic dan who is known as the healin man. He was kind enough to come over and look at kerb and he was back the next day with prednisone, green tea extract, and raw beef. I followed his unorthodox requests due to kerby was already set up for "the choice". After I saw Kerri spend $300 on a check-up just days before and no other options noted by the oncologist, I prayed... and four hours later Kerby wagged his tail. 24 hours later Kerby was making a recovery. It is 7 days later and the cyst is GONE and he is barking at every sound and licking like kernel sanders. He is still weak from the chemo. and the cancer but the turn around was truly amazing thanks to Dan. Again, Thank you Very Much from the bottom of my heart! Paul .....
P.S. Dr. Hamilton (oncologist), I hope that when your time comes, they do not send you home to starve to death like almost happened to Kerby. It looks like "the Kerb" will die with DIGNITY!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whew ..... ok, this is Kerri again. Ya see, when I went o China, I had my blackberry and was able to check all emails. Paul didn't know this, so I read this email when I was in Beijing, that Paul was driving Kerby to get put down, and that now he was doing so well .... wow! I cry every time I think of it! I just knew Kerby wouldn't wait for my return. But he did!! And he is doing SOOOOO well, considering!
Paul and Dan did everything in their power to make sure Kerby would kiss me again! Paul, the chef that he is, experimented in the kitchen, fed Kerby everything and anything to see what worked. Dan, the highly intelligent paramedic, was Kerby's "healing doctor". Between the two of them, a regimen was set up.
Kerby's meds:
Prednisone (a steroid) 20mg/day to help shrink the tumor, which is still in there and big!
Green tea extract
Proin (generic brand) 25mg/day to help his incontinence.
Tramadol 25mg/day for pain
His treats (don't laugh but it works and he LOVES it all):
French Onion dip (he licks it from the tub)
Vanilla pudding cups
Ice cream cups
Blueberries & ice cream (the dark berries are an anti-oxidant)
Coffee creamer
I know, it all sounds and looks unorthodox but for now, his poop looks normal, he is extremely active and happy, he gives me kisses often, his hair is growing back, I mince his meds in his food and he eats like a horse 2x a day.
Last week, I just happen to look in his mouth and saw an additional HUGE 2 INCH x 2 INCH (not centimeters) black & purple shiny "ball" attached to his gums. It was nasty gross and scared the shit out of me. I took pictures of it but will spare all of you the horror! Man, my Kerby is sure teaching me patience. I didn't panic and just figured things out the next few days and helped him recover. At that time, I increased his steroid meds to shrink the growth and that helped.
Why, you may ask, did the oncologist never suggest this? Apparently they believe, according to their studies, that prednisone does nothing to help osteosarcoma of the jaw? who the heck knows .... I'm over the doctors, except Kerby's "regular" vet who we both love because she is caring and sensitive!
Anyway, that's my rant and boasting about my baby boy. The other morning I was thinking: Kerby may indeed be my only "child" in my life. And if so, that is okay with me because I have truly experienced how to love and care for something that is such a part of me. I have nursed Kerby back to health, stayed up with him when sick, spent an obscene amount of $ in medical bills .... but most importantly, I have received in return his unconditional love and he has given me the most joy a mother can ask for. Kerby is my son. I love you my little miracle boy!!
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Down the "home" stretch with my little man
Tuesday August 7, 2007
Well, here we are. A valiant fight it has been. I fought so hard for Kerby, my little man, my big boy, da Kerbs, my schnookum butt, my lil munchkin, my fuzz butt.
This picture was taken today at the vet's office. Tears in my eyes, Kerby still sedated.
We're in the last few weeks, or days, of Kerby's happy life. And boy did he enjoy his time here! I love him so much.
Ya see, I'm headed off to China in 36 hours on the 9th and will be gone for 10 days. Having a feeling that Kerby's tumor was growing back in his mouth, I wanted to bring him in to the oncologist for an in depth exam so I can "know". Well, now I know.
Paul came with me this time. Kerby's dad. Dr. Hamilton started by saying, "Unfortunately .....". All else was a blur to me. "The new chemo (cisplatin) is not working either (previously we tried carboplation and adriamycin)." "The tumor has indeed grown back; it is now 3+cm." I know that the last 3 times the tumor was in Kerby's mouth, they were all at least 4cm and they were BAD! Bleeding. Just bad!
The doc spoke again. "There is only 1 more choice ...." I knew then that there would be no "more choices". Kerby has gone through enough. I have gone through enough. Paul has gone through enough. My office has gone through enough seeing me cry over my desk about it. The only choice the doc said was to do radiation which really only minimizes the pain. It doesn't slow the growth of the tumor. It doesn't prevent the cancer from spreading. Paul and I opted to just increase his pain meds (Tramadol) to about 75mg/day.
This morning, before I took Kerby to the vet, I held him. I told him it's okay. He's FOUGHT SO FREAKIN HARD. I think he did it for me. I pushed him but in a good way. Kerby hasn't been "suffering" beyond belief. He's been very uncomfortable, depressed, tired, sometimes doesn't eat, vomits a little here and there, pees A LOT all over himself .... but that's all okay.
But the tumor growing back is not okay! It is okay, however, for my Kerbs to know how much I will always love my 1st baby!
It was so hard leaving Kerby today. But honestly, knowing that Paul will be watching Kerby for the next 2 weeks until I return from China is a true blessing. My heart went out to Paul as he cried more than I did today in that doctor's office. I am still numb. I have watched Kerby deteriorate before my eyes every day since the middle of April. Paul has not. He visits Kerby, but doesn't see it all the time.
Paul may have to make the hardest decision while I'm out of the country. I feel so guilty about that. Not for Kerby, but for Paul. He doesn't deserve to have to make that decision to send Kerby home to God. But I am as okay as I can be about it. If Kerby wants to wait for his momma to come back home, that will be icing on the cake! But I am prepared for the worst, hoping for just another couple of weeks until I return.
I love you Kerby! You are a fighter, my trooper, my love bug. Try to hang in there okay sweet boy! Mommy loves you baby!
Well, here we are. A valiant fight it has been. I fought so hard for Kerby, my little man, my big boy, da Kerbs, my schnookum butt, my lil munchkin, my fuzz butt.
This picture was taken today at the vet's office. Tears in my eyes, Kerby still sedated.
We're in the last few weeks, or days, of Kerby's happy life. And boy did he enjoy his time here! I love him so much.
Ya see, I'm headed off to China in 36 hours on the 9th and will be gone for 10 days. Having a feeling that Kerby's tumor was growing back in his mouth, I wanted to bring him in to the oncologist for an in depth exam so I can "know". Well, now I know.
Paul came with me this time. Kerby's dad. Dr. Hamilton started by saying, "Unfortunately .....". All else was a blur to me. "The new chemo (cisplatin) is not working either (previously we tried carboplation and adriamycin)." "The tumor has indeed grown back; it is now 3+cm." I know that the last 3 times the tumor was in Kerby's mouth, they were all at least 4cm and they were BAD! Bleeding. Just bad!
The doc spoke again. "There is only 1 more choice ...." I knew then that there would be no "more choices". Kerby has gone through enough. I have gone through enough. Paul has gone through enough. My office has gone through enough seeing me cry over my desk about it. The only choice the doc said was to do radiation which really only minimizes the pain. It doesn't slow the growth of the tumor. It doesn't prevent the cancer from spreading. Paul and I opted to just increase his pain meds (Tramadol) to about 75mg/day.
This morning, before I took Kerby to the vet, I held him. I told him it's okay. He's FOUGHT SO FREAKIN HARD. I think he did it for me. I pushed him but in a good way. Kerby hasn't been "suffering" beyond belief. He's been very uncomfortable, depressed, tired, sometimes doesn't eat, vomits a little here and there, pees A LOT all over himself .... but that's all okay.
But the tumor growing back is not okay! It is okay, however, for my Kerbs to know how much I will always love my 1st baby!
It was so hard leaving Kerby today. But honestly, knowing that Paul will be watching Kerby for the next 2 weeks until I return from China is a true blessing. My heart went out to Paul as he cried more than I did today in that doctor's office. I am still numb. I have watched Kerby deteriorate before my eyes every day since the middle of April. Paul has not. He visits Kerby, but doesn't see it all the time.
Paul may have to make the hardest decision while I'm out of the country. I feel so guilty about that. Not for Kerby, but for Paul. He doesn't deserve to have to make that decision to send Kerby home to God. But I am as okay as I can be about it. If Kerby wants to wait for his momma to come back home, that will be icing on the cake! But I am prepared for the worst, hoping for just another couple of weeks until I return.
I love you Kerby! You are a fighter, my trooper, my love bug. Try to hang in there okay sweet boy! Mommy loves you baby!
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Oh Baby ....
.... baby food that is. Such is the life of a caring, loving pet owner who is doing everything she can stand to do to help her dog live a pain and cancer free life. What a freakin roller coaster ride this is. Every single darn day. Up: he ate a few kibbles. Down: he vomited water & blood. Yeah this is my life, the life chosen for me at this point. The life I have to accept. I love Kerby with all my heart and I just hope that all I am doing for him will buy him some more quality time.
And that's the question: Quality time. What is that? Everyone asks me these days: have you thought about sparing him, easing him, letting him go, ending his suffering. I honestly believe that if I truly thought Kerby was "suffering" and there are no further options, then the answer is a yes, for sure. I think I know when that time will come. I saw it a few weeks ago when his tumor grew back and he was bleeding. Option at that time? Remove the tumor and do the last known chemo. Now, at this point, if the tumor grows back, and cries in pain again, that will be my decision.
As for now, today specifically, he vomited water & blood this morning. Didn't eat his food or his peanut butter w/ his pain meds snuck in there. I called the vet, they said to try baby food. Between that call and me getting back home, a few cocktails of my own were in order. This shit ain't easy folks. So, looks like Kerby enjoyed his Beech Nut Chicken & Rice baby food, Stage 2 for less than 6 month olds. UGH!!!!!!!!!!! Who would have thunk it? I never imagined.
I only hope and pray that this is all just temporary. It's the chemo effecting him. His belly hurts and the fluids from the chemo are seeping out all the time. This will pass. I will come home from China in a few weeks and Kerby will be half way done with his new rounds of chemo. He'll be fine. And so will his mommy.
And that's the question: Quality time. What is that? Everyone asks me these days: have you thought about sparing him, easing him, letting him go, ending his suffering. I honestly believe that if I truly thought Kerby was "suffering" and there are no further options, then the answer is a yes, for sure. I think I know when that time will come. I saw it a few weeks ago when his tumor grew back and he was bleeding. Option at that time? Remove the tumor and do the last known chemo. Now, at this point, if the tumor grows back, and cries in pain again, that will be my decision.
As for now, today specifically, he vomited water & blood this morning. Didn't eat his food or his peanut butter w/ his pain meds snuck in there. I called the vet, they said to try baby food. Between that call and me getting back home, a few cocktails of my own were in order. This shit ain't easy folks. So, looks like Kerby enjoyed his Beech Nut Chicken & Rice baby food, Stage 2 for less than 6 month olds. UGH!!!!!!!!!!! Who would have thunk it? I never imagined.
I only hope and pray that this is all just temporary. It's the chemo effecting him. His belly hurts and the fluids from the chemo are seeping out all the time. This will pass. I will come home from China in a few weeks and Kerby will be half way done with his new rounds of chemo. He'll be fine. And so will his mommy.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Chemo ... once again
Wednesday, July 25th
Those of you who know Kerby, know that this picture looks nothing like him at all. This is the effect of cancer and chemo! While his eyes are still expressive, they are so in a very sad looking way! It breaks my heart!
I am numb. I am going through the motions of doing the best I can for my Kerby. I get the information, the facts, the confirmed diagnosis of Osteosarcoma. I speak with the oncologist and it appears the only option is to try the "3rd & last type of chemo" that we didn't use already. The other 2 chemos didn't work, since the tumor grew back very fast!
Kerby had his 3rd surgery in 3 months on July 11th (2 weeks ago). The surgeon was only able to remove 95% of the tumor in his mouth. Yes .... there's still 5% of a cancerous tumor in my baby's mouth. What to do? I don't think there are many options at this point. Oral tumors grow back VERY FREAKIN' FAST. So, we started chemo again today. Cisplatin is the name of it. I didn't choose it before b/c it's not healthy for the kidneys, it can cause vomiting and who else knows what? I asked the oncologist today: Why are we bothering with chemo if there's still a cancerous tumor? Answer: Chemo will slow the growth of the cancer and tumor.
So, all I have now is time. And hope. And faith. And prayers. And God.
Oh, I still have my Kerby! The love of my life!
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Never gonna stop ....
Tuesday, July 10th
What a day ... I think I cried enough tears today to fix Georgia's draught! On the way to bringing Kerby to GVS this morning, I heard Daughtry's song, "I'm Going Home" and with Kerby on my lap, I was convinced that was God asking me to "lend" Kerby to Him. I cried. Then leaving Kerby and driving to my office, I spoke with the 2 men in my life and hyperventilated to both of them. I cried - boy did I cry a river. Got in my office and told folks the deal. Again, I cried. Went to lunch and they all chatted about their loving dogs. I cried ... a lot. I got hugs from my coworkers and pats on my back. I cried.
I was making the decision to not go ahead with any more surgeries. I can't "put Kerby" thru anything else. But then Kerby's dad told me that I need to fight one last fight. How can I not? Last night, Kerby wagged his tail and gave me kisses for God's sake!!! Ok, he peed on himself but ahhh, that's nothin'. I got KISSES from Kerbs. He is being strong and then so do I need to be.
My heart actually feels relieved and sort of "happy" (errr, happIER is probably the better term) that I made the decision to go ahead with the surgery.
Wednesday, 1st thing in the morning, I bring Kerby back to GVS so Dr. Duval, the surgeon, can remove Kerby's tumor ONCE AGAIN. Last time, she said the tumor was so close to the brain that she is not sure she can get "close enough margins AROUND the tumor" to get rid of all the cancer. This remains the case ... and probably was the case the 1st time. Hey, either hit the brain or not get all the cancer out? Hmmm ... glad I'm not a surgeon ....
Anyway, as I'm typing, Barry White's song comes on ... an anthem of mine of sorts. It's my song for Kerby:
"you've given me much more than words can ever say, i'll be right here to your dying day, i just know that i love you so and it gives me such a thrill. i'm never ever gonna give you up, never gonna stop, i'm never ever gonna quit cause quittin just ain't my stick, i'm never gonna stop all the things i feel about ya...."
Mommy loves you Kerby. Don't quit ... nor will I ....
What a day ... I think I cried enough tears today to fix Georgia's draught! On the way to bringing Kerby to GVS this morning, I heard Daughtry's song, "I'm Going Home" and with Kerby on my lap, I was convinced that was God asking me to "lend" Kerby to Him. I cried. Then leaving Kerby and driving to my office, I spoke with the 2 men in my life and hyperventilated to both of them. I cried - boy did I cry a river. Got in my office and told folks the deal. Again, I cried. Went to lunch and they all chatted about their loving dogs. I cried ... a lot. I got hugs from my coworkers and pats on my back. I cried.
I was making the decision to not go ahead with any more surgeries. I can't "put Kerby" thru anything else. But then Kerby's dad told me that I need to fight one last fight. How can I not? Last night, Kerby wagged his tail and gave me kisses for God's sake!!! Ok, he peed on himself but ahhh, that's nothin'. I got KISSES from Kerbs. He is being strong and then so do I need to be.
My heart actually feels relieved and sort of "happy" (errr, happIER is probably the better term) that I made the decision to go ahead with the surgery.
Wednesday, 1st thing in the morning, I bring Kerby back to GVS so Dr. Duval, the surgeon, can remove Kerby's tumor ONCE AGAIN. Last time, she said the tumor was so close to the brain that she is not sure she can get "close enough margins AROUND the tumor" to get rid of all the cancer. This remains the case ... and probably was the case the 1st time. Hey, either hit the brain or not get all the cancer out? Hmmm ... glad I'm not a surgeon ....
Anyway, as I'm typing, Barry White's song comes on ... an anthem of mine of sorts. It's my song for Kerby:
"you've given me much more than words can ever say, i'll be right here to your dying day, i just know that i love you so and it gives me such a thrill. i'm never ever gonna give you up, never gonna stop, i'm never ever gonna quit cause quittin just ain't my stick, i'm never gonna stop all the things i feel about ya...."
Mommy loves you Kerby. Don't quit ... nor will I ....
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Tumor is back
Sunday July 8
I don't get it. Will it help if I say I am really upset with the oncologist? It should make me feel better right? MAN! A month ago, before Kerby went in for his 2nd chemo treatment, I told the oncologist that Kerby's breath smelled and I think something is wrong, growing in there again. He "looked & felt" around and concluding nothing was in there. Well, again, on Kerby's 3rd chemo treatment on June 26th, I reported the same issues. Once again, I got the "nope, nothing's there however if you are concerned, we can do radiographs of his jaw."
That was not even a full 2 weeks ago. Now, there's blood coming from Kerby's mouth and so I take a freakin' flashlight and shine in to see this MASSIVE tumor. What the .....? I really don't understand how, if the doctor didn't see ANYTHING (which I am highly doubtful), how this tumor could've grown to 3cm in the week & a half since his last visit! Do the doctors think they are dealing with idiots here? Do they just want me to spend the $ on xrays? I don't get it.
Anyway, I took Kerby to the ER of Georgia Vet Specialists lastnight and sure enough, there's the tumor. No shit sherlock! Where'd you get your degree? UGH! They wanted to send me home and that's it? The surgeon who operated on Kerby is in surgery all day Monday and the oncologist isn't in until Tuesday so the 1st chance Kerby can be seen by the "professionals dealing with this magnitude" is Tuesday. What we did for the time being, was order 3 chest xrays. A good start to see if the cancer spread. From what the DVM sees, nothing to be alarmed about but of course I need to wait until Tuesday for the oncologist and the radiologist to read the results and make a formal determination.
I will bring Kerby in on Tuesday also to see if oncologist wants to "do anything" like a biopsy or who knows what else.
I'm just at my wits end sorta. I do everything I can for my dog to help him out and make him live a pain-free life with this cancer. I just hope & pray the trained doctors are doing the same. I really hope, in a way, the oncologist really didn't see anything in Kerby's mouth and was telling me the truth.
In the meantime, Kerby is still eating his food & drinking ok. No vomiting or diarrhea. However there is blood in his mouth and we all know that I can not stand the sight of blood. It scares me beyond belief!
I will be patient, pray and put it all in God's hands. 'Til Tuesday ....
I don't get it. Will it help if I say I am really upset with the oncologist? It should make me feel better right? MAN! A month ago, before Kerby went in for his 2nd chemo treatment, I told the oncologist that Kerby's breath smelled and I think something is wrong, growing in there again. He "looked & felt" around and concluding nothing was in there. Well, again, on Kerby's 3rd chemo treatment on June 26th, I reported the same issues. Once again, I got the "nope, nothing's there however if you are concerned, we can do radiographs of his jaw."
That was not even a full 2 weeks ago. Now, there's blood coming from Kerby's mouth and so I take a freakin' flashlight and shine in to see this MASSIVE tumor. What the .....? I really don't understand how, if the doctor didn't see ANYTHING (which I am highly doubtful), how this tumor could've grown to 3cm in the week & a half since his last visit! Do the doctors think they are dealing with idiots here? Do they just want me to spend the $ on xrays? I don't get it.
Anyway, I took Kerby to the ER of Georgia Vet Specialists lastnight and sure enough, there's the tumor. No shit sherlock! Where'd you get your degree? UGH! They wanted to send me home and that's it? The surgeon who operated on Kerby is in surgery all day Monday and the oncologist isn't in until Tuesday so the 1st chance Kerby can be seen by the "professionals dealing with this magnitude" is Tuesday. What we did for the time being, was order 3 chest xrays. A good start to see if the cancer spread. From what the DVM sees, nothing to be alarmed about but of course I need to wait until Tuesday for the oncologist and the radiologist to read the results and make a formal determination.
I will bring Kerby in on Tuesday also to see if oncologist wants to "do anything" like a biopsy or who knows what else.
I'm just at my wits end sorta. I do everything I can for my dog to help him out and make him live a pain-free life with this cancer. I just hope & pray the trained doctors are doing the same. I really hope, in a way, the oncologist really didn't see anything in Kerby's mouth and was telling me the truth.
In the meantime, Kerby is still eating his food & drinking ok. No vomiting or diarrhea. However there is blood in his mouth and we all know that I can not stand the sight of blood. It scares me beyond belief!
I will be patient, pray and put it all in God's hands. 'Til Tuesday ....
Friday, June 29, 2007
Reality Bites
i walked into PetSmart and there they were. all the bones, chewies, toys and balls. it hit me hard. my Kerby may not enjoy any of his life's pleasures anymore. he sure isn't enjoying any of them now. as you may know, Kerby has bone cancer in the jaw and his upper back jaw was removed on May 2. he's in the middle of his 6 chemo treatments. and he's not himself anymore.
while he is alive, yes i am thankful for that, he is going downhill and i am doing my best to accept that. when i look at Kerby now, i'm sad. he is lifeless. he mainly just lays around. he doesn't pick up his toys anymore. he's not crazy about just any treat; he needs the really small soft ones. it takes him forever to eat his food. he stares with a blank expression over his beautiful big brown eyes. he cries out if there's a toy in his mouth as if it hurts him. he cries out when i come home, appearing as if his mouth hurts him. he is favoring the spot where his jaw was removed. it's just sad. i know my baby will pass away one day and walk over the rainbow bridge but i just wish it weren't soon.
i'm not ready to let you go Kerbs.who will i come home to? who will sit next to me when i watch tv? who will spoon with me? who will love me as much as he does? who will commit to me for the 10+ years that he has? who will i hold when i cry? who will i care about? who will care about me? who will i love like this again?
yes, i will be sad and lonely when Kerby is gone. i already am, and you're still here .....
while he is alive, yes i am thankful for that, he is going downhill and i am doing my best to accept that. when i look at Kerby now, i'm sad. he is lifeless. he mainly just lays around. he doesn't pick up his toys anymore. he's not crazy about just any treat; he needs the really small soft ones. it takes him forever to eat his food. he stares with a blank expression over his beautiful big brown eyes. he cries out if there's a toy in his mouth as if it hurts him. he cries out when i come home, appearing as if his mouth hurts him. he is favoring the spot where his jaw was removed. it's just sad. i know my baby will pass away one day and walk over the rainbow bridge but i just wish it weren't soon.
i'm not ready to let you go Kerbs.who will i come home to? who will sit next to me when i watch tv? who will spoon with me? who will love me as much as he does? who will commit to me for the 10+ years that he has? who will i hold when i cry? who will i care about? who will care about me? who will i love like this again?
yes, i will be sad and lonely when Kerby is gone. i already am, and you're still here .....
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